Portfolioso's Twitter Bullshit



5975 tweets posted from Twitter Web Client
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I have a raging fever, my steam vaporizer smells bad, and I was supposed to eat my grandmas pork chops tomorrow but now I need to stay home Saturday, December 27, 2014 1:22:22 AMTwitter Web Client
Does it REALLY take 4 hours to pull a 56MB file out of Amazon Glacier? Friday, December 26, 2014 4:37:41 PMTwitter Web Client
Mauritania is a REALLY shitty country: http://t.co/1UWmdDWGZN Friday, December 26, 2014 11:29:18 AMTwitter Web Client
Have some Inbox invites. Anyone want? DM me your Gmail. I personally don't like it because I don't like them sorting my email for me. Friday, December 26, 2014 11:26:13 AMTwitter Web Client
Who wants to watch The Interview? B40706D7FA0AAEF00274CD1A461B38DBEE317491 Thursday, December 25, 2014 1:34:35 PMTwitter Web Client
Did anyone else know that http://t.co/68B2uUS4ru has a live chatroom via the developer console? Thursday, December 25, 2014 1:31:17 PMTwitter Web Client
@MalJNew Love live tweeting different situash-es. Makes for fine entertainment
In reply to @MalJNew's tweet
 Wednesday, December 24, 2014 10:58:59 AMTwitter Web Client
Every time I install a WordPress update, it scares me that my Twitter plugin will break b/c I hacked the crap out of it and it's deprecated Tuesday, December 23, 2014 10:24:05 PMTwitter Web Client
Had to pull out my Ten record in honor of my boy Eddie Vedder's 50th birthday. (PS sing me to sleep Eddie) Tuesday, December 23, 2014 8:51:51 PMTwitter Web Client
@BarstoolJJ Sounds like the mistakes I make
In reply to @BarstoolJJ's tweet
 Tuesday, December 23, 2014 8:02:25 PMTwitter Web Client
NYC mayor's a fuckin asshole Tuesday, December 23, 2014 5:51:45 PMTwitter Web Client
I have an emergency question:

Is there any beer left in our keg?
And can I have it now? 		Tuesday, December 23, 2014 3:59:31 PMTwitter Web Client
Baller last minute shopper status Monday, December 22, 2014 3:33:01 PMTwitter Web Client
Happy Winter. Now why isn't there snow? Sunday, December 21, 2014 12:25:42 PMTwitter Web Client
Dat feel when your ISP owes you money. Especially when it's Time Warner. http://t.co/YX3gex3uey Friday, December 19, 2014 5:05:22 PMTwitter Web Client
Just paid like 7 people. Who the fuck else wants my money? Friday, December 19, 2014 2:14:21 PMTwitter Web Client
Whose dick do I have to suck to get a valid Office license up in this bitch? Months already. Friday, December 19, 2014 11:46:35 AMTwitter Web Client
puppet agent -t Thursday, December 18, 2014 1:56:05 PMTwitter Web Client
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. No need for a 5 hour commentary after I make one simple comment. Can't get anything done here over your yappin Wednesday, December 17, 2014 5:41:33 PMTwitter Web Client
Someone tell this babbling old dumbass no one cares about any of the noise coming out of his mouth. Wednesday, December 17, 2014 10:52:22 AMTwitter Web Client
Senior salesperson here still can't figure out that she can reset her own password in the software she's been selling for 5+ years. Idiot Wednesday, December 17, 2014 10:36:29 AMTwitter Web Client
Good Job, Microsoft. I'd expect this from where I work, but not you guys: http://t.co/j5sRbRCW0v http://t.co/RhYvBaKsXx Tuesday, December 16, 2014 5:50:00 PMTwitter Web Client
"Vespas are for dudes who want to blow air on their vaginas" (I think I butchered that quote because I have goldfish memory, but similar) Tuesday, December 16, 2014 3:56:15 PMTwitter Web Client
Everyone around me talks too fucking much Friday, December 12, 2014 5:56:30 PMTwitter Web Client
I'm too drunk to figure out why this cocksucking thing doesn't compile so ima head to the bar and pick this up tomorrow. Thursday, December 11, 2014 7:07:03 PMTwitter Web Client
Played my Olaf singing/dancing plush desk snowman. Bitches love Olaf singing/dancing plush desk snowmen Thursday, December 11, 2014 4:50:20 PMTwitter Web Client
"I know the fly honeys at bikini bar are outta this world but i am sure you can see a C section scar another time" - Freddy Thursday, December 11, 2014 4:41:01 PMTwitter Web Client
Almost just screamed "FIN. ARE YOU COMING TO BIKINI BAR WITH ME AFTER WORK?!?!" Across the office. Then I stopped myself. Thursday, December 11, 2014 4:37:55 PMTwitter Web Client
Just was the IT bitch for the SVP of Enterprise Sales and the CTO. They didn't know how to change the TV input to a conference room computer Thursday, December 11, 2014 1:35:37 PMTwitter Web Client
No Pornhub on the VMWare Template Thursday, December 11, 2014 1:01:28 PMTwitter Web Client
"It's raining snow" -@Docent_Steve Wednesday, December 10, 2014 5:25:59 PMTwitter Web Client
Funny how Google pulled Pirate Bay apps from the Play Store one DAY before it got raided by police. They KNEW Tuesday, December 09, 2014 4:13:06 PMTwitter Web Client
I'd do extremely questionable things to win this http://t.co/pZ8NUQFzSN Tuesday, December 09, 2014 12:11:26 PMTwitter Web Client
//Loop through querystrings and do dirty things to them
foreach($_GET as $key => $value){
//todo
} 		Tuesday, December 09, 2014 10:41:18 AMTwitter Web Client
Yo @KingJames, sweet Comic Sans http://t.co/vg9bXmMvtu Tuesday, December 09, 2014 9:52:39 AMTwitter Web Client
2) As a result of 1, I need to concentrate to figure out how to fix this so SHUT THE FUCK UP. Also, our system crashed twice today #hatehate Monday, December 08, 2014 7:10:38 PMTwitter Web Client
1) How about you tell us before you change the paths to the code so it doesn't break my entire build system Monday, December 08, 2014 7:09:57 PMTwitter Web Client
Just did a sunspider JS benchmark and IE11 is the fastest, followed by Firefox, followed by Opera, followed by Chrome. #LOLWUT Monday, December 08, 2014 4:12:45 PMTwitter Web Client
My new favorite way to describe bad UIs via @XtinaSchelin: "low-contrast unconsecrated dog shit" (on Skype's redesign)
In reply to @XtinaSchelin's tweet
 Monday, December 08, 2014 11:21:31 AMTwitter Web Client
I can't even take a shit in this place and our platform starts fucking up Monday, December 08, 2014 11:19:18 AMTwitter Web Client
Met the best British peeps from the bar. One was Italian with a UK accent drinking Amaretto. Fascinating Wednesday, November 26, 2014 2:36:39 PMTwitter Web Client
If our security asshole talks about clickjacking just one more time for a server that shouldn't even be in scope... Click jackoff Wednesday, November 26, 2014 10:34:04 AMTwitter Web Client
What do you want from me, my hands were full of delicious Burger King. Plus he was supposed to be a chill guy, you guys Wednesday, November 26, 2014 9:57:37 AMTwitter Web Client
David, our doorman was NOT amused/pleased with me when I used my ass to swipe into the building (NFC in wallet in back pocket) Wednesday, November 26, 2014 9:57:15 AMTwitter Web Client
Anyone ever hear of the The Empty Hearts? Came up on my Google Play Music. New no-names. Pretty decent jams Tuesday, November 25, 2014 4:15:00 PMTwitter Web Client
LaGuardia is a fuckin shithole. If it wasn't so easy to get to, I'd cuncel it: http://t.co/m1tL4eGVql Tuesday, November 25, 2014 3:35:19 PMTwitter Web Client
Bassline is TIGHT: http://t.co/EgZixUmZYz #FooFighters #SonicHighways Monday, November 24, 2014 4:04:35 PMTwitter Web Client
OMG since when did Outlook Wem Mail (for exchange) get awesome? I remember it being a piece of shit back in '09 Monday, November 24, 2014 3:35:17 PMTwitter Web Client
@__JLu I've seen it all abusers. Obviously not best practice. We've done it here (shouldn't surprise you) Depends how severe the bug is.
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
 Monday, November 24, 2014 2:30:02 PMTwitter Web Client
Which one ya drivin, Lessaaaahhhhhd? https://t.co/rXwxUjAcVo @Lessard_Eric Monday, November 24, 2014 11:18:14 AMTwitter Web Client
I'm gonna go into my grandpa meeting and answer all of his questions with Yeah: https://t.co/fROS8Zqhd5 Monday, November 24, 2014 10:26:12 AMTwitter Web Client
"But that's life. If you don't roll with it, you're gonna roll under it." Friday, November 21, 2014 11:43:30 PMTwitter Web Client
It's 9:30 AM and I'm sitting at my desk eating a steak 1) Because I'm batshit crazy 2) I don't follow norms and 3) because I don't care Thursday, November 20, 2014 9:36:20 AMTwitter Web Client
How I resolve tickets in our ticketing system: http://t.co/Co8IdorHzL Wednesday, November 19, 2014 3:42:21 PMTwitter Web Client
Build failed ONE time (because of dev error) and our CGO (Chief Grandpa Officer) scheduled a meeting to discuss "improving the process." Tuesday, November 18, 2014 2:02:26 PMTwitter Web Client
Based on Tom's parenting stories, I've decided I'm never going to have a 14 year old daughter. Tuesday, November 18, 2014 12:43:09 PMTwitter Web Client
Yo India. Your mars photos suck... Look how blurry it is. Learn how to space. I thought you guys were supposed to be smart or something... Friday, November 14, 2014 6:39:07 PMTwitter Web Client
If @jerrythornton1's leaving Barstool, who's gonna do the sex scandal teacher blogs? Friday, November 14, 2014 5:11:41 PMTwitter Web Client
Woof. You ever know a really hot chick in college and then you saw her pic like 5 years later and it's like woof? Yeah that just happened. Friday, November 14, 2014 4:15:15 PMTwitter Web Client
Indian dude in the office gave me a cookie and I think I just ate a teaspoon of curry powder Friday, November 14, 2014 4:11:54 PMTwitter Web Client
Bummer. Tried to flash lollipop on my 2012 Nexus 7, but it doesn't recognize 10 USB cables in different computers. USB port is jacked. Friday, November 14, 2014 12:12:42 PMTwitter Web Client
Working here is like tattooing a band aid over a severed artery... We do half-assed workarounds and then refuse to go back and fix it right. Thursday, November 13, 2014 12:03:12 PMTwitter Web Client
I REAAAALLLLYYYY wish nude Kim Kardashians wouldn't show up in my Twitter feed k thx Thursday, November 13, 2014 9:54:41 AMTwitter Web Client
[6:27:46 PM] i'm gonna go up there
[6:27:48 PM] shit on the floor
[6:27:51 PM] tell them to eat a dick
[6:27:52 PM] and walk out 		Thursday, November 13, 2014 9:53:23 AMTwitter Web Client
Literary Skype genius from yesterday, during my Bynes breakdown (see next tweet) Thursday, November 13, 2014 9:53:09 AMTwitter Web Client
Now that I get to leave this fuckin shithole, it's almost guaranteed that the motherless MTA will have some kind of train problem Wednesday, November 12, 2014 6:14:37 PMTwitter Web Client
I have one message for everyone right now http://t.co/Kw5tdmDrsk Wednesday, November 12, 2014 6:08:47 PMTwitter Web Client
Was in full Bynes meltdown mode today at work until I went to the bar. Then it was all okay Wednesday, November 12, 2014 4:58:19 PMTwitter Web Client
THIS IS EXCELLENT: https://t.co/EGBnrgYpQW Google fucked up big time by merging hangouts with SMS. It blew monkey dick. Night and day Wednesday, November 12, 2014 2:37:40 PMTwitter Web Client
Testing! Ya heard? Tuesday, November 11, 2014 12:43:10 PMTwitter Web Client
Thank you to Verizon for hard resetting my FiOS router. Now I need to remember all my port forwards. Friday, November 07, 2014 12:28:48 AMTwitter Web Client
Who the fuck does this guy think he is interrupting me telling my boss about important release procedures about his bougie Williamsburg bar Thursday, November 06, 2014 6:38:55 PMTwitter Web Client
Wait a sec... You mean to tell me the 90s aren't 10 years ago anymore? #thefuck Thursday, November 06, 2014 5:40:48 PMTwitter Web Client
My client requested me to schedule a build for 10PM tonight. It is Halloween. It is friday night. Get your life together. Friday, October 31, 2014 5:07:16 PMTwitter Web Client
RT @DadBoner: Happy 'Ween to ya, boo guys. Friday, October 31, 2014 4:51:37 PMTwitter Web Client
"[4:49:57 PM]: no, they are a pair of fucking black panties on top of my toothbrush and shit" Friday, October 31, 2014 4:51:20 PMTwitter Web Client
Real talk, one of my coworkers just asked me if I knew of anyone who put a pair of black polka dot panties in his desk drawer Friday, October 31, 2014 4:50:57 PMTwitter Web Client
Bro. Don't care. Stop talking to me. Friday, October 31, 2014 1:28:02 PMTwitter Web Client
Not one person is taking anything seriously today. Not one. Techno halloween music is thumpin' #cubehalloween Friday, October 31, 2014 10:04:33 AMTwitter Web Client
RT @Docent_Steve: This is the scariest pumpkin I have seen yet..... @CloudFlare #Error502 #BadGateway http://t.co/MlPArePMux Thursday, October 30, 2014 5:16:57 PMTwitter Web Client
My third monitor has become my dedicated Dave Grohl concert video player Tuesday, October 28, 2014 4:21:47 PMTwitter Web Client
There's a 75% chance this dude I know is a closet Dexter and plays this in his killroom: https://t.co/68jrpjDxoN Monday, October 27, 2014 5:50:20 PMTwitter Web Client
I NEED LOLLIPOP ON MY MOTO X IMMEJITLY Friday, October 24, 2014 1:14:49 PMTwitter Web Client
No idea why my jaw is killing me. I didn't chew anything crazy to exert it. The fuck did I get - tetanus? Thursday, October 23, 2014 1:20:41 AMTwitter Web Client
I've been spending way too much time with git as of late... Thursday, October 23, 2014 12:59:42 AMTwitter Web Client
I'd rather be treating Ebola patients in West Africa than listening to this bumbling idiot Wednesday, October 22, 2014 10:44:54 AMTwitter Web Client
Gotta be FUCKING KIDDING ME. I love how we find out on rollout night that there are modified configs. Jesus H. Christ Tuesday, October 21, 2014 2:17:08 AMTwitter Web Client
SOUND THE ALARMS. I DELETED iamabanana.txt from our prod servers and our OSSEC shit went wild. Panic ensued. http://t.co/ri8M8EYA1g Monday, October 20, 2014 11:29:07 AMTwitter Web Client
@RMerlinDev Flashed my RT68U twice with 376.47, but my version still reports 376.45. Ideas? Saturday, October 18, 2014 3:52:24 PMTwitter Web Client
How come people from India and Russia always say "I will do the needful" It's such a shitty mistranslation Friday, October 17, 2014 3:33:27 PMTwitter Web Client
LOVE Slash http://t.co/KCu5VX1xTp Wednesday, October 15, 2014 11:44:28 AMTwitter Web Client
My VP got a gen2 Moto X and I'm gonna steal it from him Tuesday, October 14, 2014 10:03:47 PMTwitter Web Client
Sorry rizqi hafidha, you aren't important enough to talk to me. #fukkencreepshow http://t.co/PZcdQJunCz Tuesday, October 14, 2014 3:49:16 PMTwitter Web Client
@__JLu Probably wouldn't take it that far, but that was a good guess
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
 Tuesday, October 14, 2014 2:04:25 PMTwitter Web Client
Nor sure if anyone noticed, but I'm obsessed with Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters Tuesday, October 14, 2014 2:01:37 PMTwitter Web Client
How am I supposed to get any work done if I have Colin jib jabbin my ear off Tuesday, October 14, 2014 11:57:33 AMTwitter Web Client
THIS AGAIN: https://t.co/OdQrV9xtSX Monday, October 13, 2014 6:22:06 PMTwitter Web Client
Didn't win tickets to that mystery Foo Fighters event Tuesday in NYC. #WOOF Saturday, October 11, 2014 12:08:14 PMTwitter Web Client
Was just peer pressured into chugging 1/4 solo cup of straight (warm) vodka "to catch up" #whatisthiscollege? Saturday, October 11, 2014 11:35:32 AMTwitter Web Client
I am with people who have been drinking since 8am and are trying to find an open liquor store. It's 9:30. LOL Saturday, October 11, 2014 9:33:39 AMTwitter Web Client
Weezer's new album is generic and mediocre. Maybe one good song. The rest are just eh Friday, October 10, 2014 12:20:01 PMTwitter Web Client
https://t.co/O67TDlpc7S hsjdfhakjsdfhakdsfhlaskdfhalskdfjhalsfkdjh OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG Friday, October 10, 2014 11:09:45 AMTwitter Web Client
Powershell is pissing me off. If it formats the output to a table, how do I get one value's string so I can use it later? Thursday, October 09, 2014 10:49:19 AMTwitter Web Client
I don't care if I was interviewing @Pontifex at Sirius. If Dave Grohl walked by, I'd run right after him, mid-interview @RockNationRadio Thursday, October 09, 2014 9:33:42 AMTwitter Web Client
Hyper-V is the worst piece of shit hypervisor there is. The management of it is the most convoluted Wednesday, October 08, 2014 3:28:04 PMTwitter Web Client
Cloudflare is a really shitty CDN Wednesday, October 08, 2014 9:23:50 AMTwitter Web Client
Was about to get a coffee and the entire NYPD walked in front of me with complex orders. WELP Tuesday, October 07, 2014 11:21:01 AMTwitter Web Client
AIN'T NOBODY BREAKING UP MY PARTY Friday, October 03, 2014 10:14:31 AMTwitter Web Client
"Ain't nobody good with reports, B" -Edgar Friday, October 03, 2014 10:08:15 AMTwitter Web Client
Paid for coffee with @googlewallet on my Moto X and got funny looks. I'm sure if I used Apple Pay, it would've been fine. Friday, October 03, 2014 10:03:43 AMTwitter Web Client
@__JLu Public again Friday, October 03, 2014 10:03:29 AMTwitter Web Client
It shouldn't take 5 minutes to cross Broadway because they're backing up bulldozers and digging the streets up forEVAR Friday, October 03, 2014 10:01:30 AMTwitter Web Client
And hours later after continually dismissing what I said, I was right. #morons Wednesday, October 01, 2014 1:01:29 PMTwitter Web Client
Suits who are overly scared of getting hacked and enable untested, unproven WAF technology with all the highest security settings in prod Wednesday, October 01, 2014 12:41:34 PMTwitter Web Client
Refreshing pages to see content updates is so 1999, you guys.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
 Wednesday, October 01, 2014 10:48:40 AMTwitter Web Client
Gmail pet peeve: If you delete a draft, the UI doesn't instantly update to remove it. Going on for > 1 YEAR. Come on @gmail #googlefail Wednesday, October 01, 2014 10:48:16 AMTwitter Web Client
@ky9 I thoroughly enjoy reading your students' cray cray quotes
In reply to @ky9's tweet
 Tuesday, September 30, 2014 5:57:36 PMTwitter Web Client
http://t.co/icxfqROr0r Tuesday, September 30, 2014 11:54:48 AMTwitter Web Client
If you spend a half billion dollars in the offseason and miss the playoffs, you're a miserable failure, you guys.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
 Tuesday, September 30, 2014 10:15:11 AMTwitter Web Client
Conference call in one ear. Snoop (Lion?) in the other. Doggystyle Friday, September 26, 2014 3:41:44 PMTwitter Web Client
LOL DRUPAL. So glad I washed my hands of that bullshit. So much drama between Marketing and SysOps because Drupal BLOWS. Friday, September 26, 2014 3:18:06 PMTwitter Web Client
Colin. Shut your pompous mouth Tuesday, September 23, 2014 12:37:53 PMTwitter Web Client
I'm so allergic to fucking cats that when the dude next to me walked in, I sneezed 5 times Tuesday, September 23, 2014 10:13:53 AMTwitter Web Client
Coworker discussion with X:

[4:54:37 PM] Xtina: and [he] doesn't talk like he deepthroated a bullhorn" 		Monday, September 22, 2014 4:54:22 PMTwitter Web Client
We've got this Selenium guy who just cant fucking write tests that work for shit. So. Many. False. Positives. Bro get your life together. Friday, September 19, 2014 5:22:32 PMTwitter Web Client
"Have you ever gone and Facebook and been like 'FUCK, THEIR CPU SEEMS KINDA HIGH?' No, you say 'Facebook is slow today'" -@BadPointer #32pac Friday, September 19, 2014 2:33:34 PMTwitter Web Client
#hatehatehate Friday, September 19, 2014 9:26:51 AMTwitter Web Client
I just walked in and everyone is pissing me off already. Please explain how I get 3 bugs assigned to me before 6AM Friday, September 19, 2014 9:20:56 AMTwitter Web Client
Playing dos games while I wait on this deployment. #causemylifeisdopeandidodopeshit Wednesday, September 17, 2014 9:59:38 AMTwitter Web Client
LOL lets make changes to our payment processing and not test it before we release it to all our clients Wednesday, September 17, 2014 9:27:44 AMTwitter Web Client
The management where I work are bigger bumbling idiots than Jim Dolan and his kazoo band Tuesday, September 16, 2014 5:32:30 PMTwitter Web Client
These jag offs literally can't do anything without me Tuesday, September 16, 2014 4:01:10 PMTwitter Web Client
Is it October 17th yet? Need my Sonic Highways fix. DAVE COME AT ME Tuesday, September 16, 2014 3:50:27 AMTwitter Web Client
Nice Drupal favicon on the new corporate website, asshats Monday, September 15, 2014 12:51:26 PMTwitter Web Client
Where I work, we put bad code under our pillows at night and expect the bug fairy to fix it. Monday, September 15, 2014 11:15:17 AMTwitter Web Client
Find it hysterical that there's a show called black-ish. Gonna create a show called The Whities and see how the crowd reacts to that one... Monday, September 15, 2014 10:37:11 AMTwitter Web Client
@kerbear88 Would murder them if they put heat on my train this early.
In reply to @kerbear88's tweet
 Monday, September 15, 2014 9:47:11 AMTwitter Web Client
Testing! Sunday, September 14, 2014 7:25:51 PMTwitter Web Client
Cuncel da release Sunday, September 14, 2014 5:17:47 PMTwitter Web Client
Asked a dev which DB tables we log certain info to. The response: "Various tables" Friday, September 12, 2014 2:45:59 PMTwitter Web Client
I'm not paying any attention to this Skype call whatsoever. Zero. #uselessmeetings Wednesday, September 10, 2014 10:46:32 AMTwitter Web Client
Misquoted in the office today, talking about smartphone size "Yours doesn't feel as good in the hand as mine does" Tuesday, September 09, 2014 6:05:13 PMTwitter Web Client
Yeahhhhh. Not carrying myself too well you guys. Bossman just said I was being too loud.#amaturehour Thursday, August 28, 2014 5:27:47 PMTwitter Web Client
Pretty sure I smell like a brewery to anyone I keep running my mouth to. because I'm talking A LOT. My boss is laughing at me. HE KNOWS Thursday, August 28, 2014 5:10:40 PMTwitter Web Client
I am sick of hearing this guy's fucking voice on conference calls. Die in a bus fire. Thursday, August 28, 2014 4:36:51 PMTwitter Web Client
Need moar tito's shots Thursday, August 28, 2014 4:02:46 PMTwitter Web Client
Accidentally took a 2 hr lunch and hung out with this older degenerate at the bar. Thursday, August 28, 2014 4:02:23 PMTwitter Web Client
Killed a moth like a boss right as it was sliding under my closet door to eat my suits. Thursday, August 28, 2014 1:55:00 AMTwitter Web Client
FINE PRINT THO: "In addition, you hereby grant Bank of America and its service providers a limited power of attorney" NO NO NO DECLINE!! Thursday, August 28, 2014 1:41:28 AMTwitter Web Client
Haters gon hate, but this is GOOD SHIT http://t.co/vvdRiSyJgV Wednesday, August 27, 2014 10:29:13 PMTwitter Web Client
Set WshShell = createObject("Wscript.Shell")

do
WshShell.Run "C:\AnnoyingMusic.mp3", 0
wscript.sleep 268000
loop 		Wednesday, August 27, 2014 8:55:47 PMTwitter Web Client
What in the actual fuck did Google do to the fonts in Chrome 37. For fucks sake. Wednesday, August 27, 2014 5:30:30 PMTwitter Web Client
Asked the Director of Engineering when code freeze was. He didn't know. #facepalm Wednesday, August 27, 2014 10:08:23 AMTwitter Web Client
quote of the day via @XtinaSchelin: "We knit something together using unicorn hair and wishes?" #BOOKER Friday, August 22, 2014 4:57:30 PMTwitter Web Client
Protip: If you put the ice in 3 seconds before dumping the water on your head, it's too warm and you're a pussy Friday, August 22, 2014 2:09:34 AMTwitter Web Client
@RMerlinDev Since I updated to 376.45, I cannot use Filezilla to SFTP the router. This used to work, now it throws exitcode 127. Ideas? Tuesday, August 19, 2014 5:28:40 PMTwitter Web Client
Girls Gone Wild: Gaza Striptease. Get me a camera crew. STAT. Friday, August 15, 2014 10:58:19 PMTwitter Web Client
This week on Facebook: People dumping ice water on themselves Friday, August 15, 2014 5:31:42 PMTwitter Web Client
@LennonImagine Not complaining at all. At 48 PTO per year, this is THE BEST JARB EVAR
In reply to @LennonImagine's tweet
 Friday, August 15, 2014 5:06:40 PMTwitter Web Client
Guy next to me was blasting dubstep all day in his headphones. The one time I accidentally let some air out, he's not listening #fail Friday, August 15, 2014 5:01:11 PMTwitter Web Client
A test or two... Friday, August 15, 2014 2:36:19 PMTwitter Web Client
So is it normal to be accruing 2 days of vacation every 15 day pay period? Why do I even bother coming in so much? Friday, August 15, 2014 12:05:49 PMTwitter Web Client
Pretty intense screaming match going on between our Russian SysOps guy and TMobile customer support. I'd hate to be that rep.... Thursday, August 14, 2014 5:41:30 PMTwitter Web Client
I MUST Buy Sonic Highways on Vinyl: http://t.co/NJMUEUqUZn Those album covers tho Thursday, August 14, 2014 4:35:53 PMTwitter Web Client
@dannyrob88 What the fuck is #etvbtt and why do you tweet it 95 times a day? Wednesday, August 13, 2014 2:49:24 PMTwitter Web Client
In case you ever wanted to know why an exclamation point is called a bang: http://t.co/aQyyW7DNyy Wednesday, August 13, 2014 2:47:54 PMTwitter Web Client
Not listening to anything these morons say in this meeting because it's just a fight about branching and environments... every time. Monday, August 11, 2014 3:18:40 PMTwitter Web Client
https://t.co/cKhGQGMqcv @Fantasy_Mania Monday, August 11, 2014 3:03:55 PMTwitter Web Client
Have a question to everyone doing the ice bucket challenge. Why do you put in the ice 2 seconds before dumping it? It's still warm assholes Saturday, August 09, 2014 9:27:40 PMTwitter Web Client
Colin hasn't stopped talking for 20 minutes straight. Go to Japan already Thursday, August 07, 2014 11:27:15 AMTwitter Web Client
Do you think the ice on Pluto is soft or crunchy? Thursday, August 07, 2014 2:34:57 AMTwitter Web Client
Doing a rollout in a pitch dark room with a thinklight shining down on me. It's like camping, but for geeks (i keeeeeed) Wednesday, August 06, 2014 11:35:12 PMTwitter Web Client
In Newwww Yorkkkkk. Concrete jungle where trains are infested with bugs and verminnnnn there's nothing you can dooooo http://t.co/AD3QCUtH3k Wednesday, August 06, 2014 3:32:48 PMTwitter Web Client
Coworker just brought in donuts. Is he Dexter Morgan? Wednesday, August 06, 2014 9:44:41 AMTwitter Web Client
Bossman is currently bitching at me about an error that HE caused. Still my fault somehow though. Tuesday, August 05, 2014 12:35:31 PMTwitter Web Client
Why the fuck am I on call again. Wasn't I just on call? Monday, August 04, 2014 5:51:10 PMTwitter Web Client
Colin. Shut up about CloudFlare. I'm trying to write some scripts. Friday, August 01, 2014 2:58:16 PMTwitter Web Client
Maybe if this guy prays harder, his real user monitoring tests will stop failing. Friday, August 01, 2014 1:23:02 PMTwitter Web Client
Can I go home now? Wednesday, July 30, 2014 4:54:57 PMTwitter Web Client
DERP: $x=shell_exec($_GET['yay']); Wednesday, July 30, 2014 4:50:40 PMTwitter Web Client
I think I have the most ridiculous twitter account in all of the land Wednesday, July 30, 2014 1:38:43 PMTwitter Web Client
Now they're praising my coffeemaking skills #baristo #madskills #cray Wednesday, July 30, 2014 1:23:58 PMTwitter Web Client
Doubting Colin kept telling me it was my fault the build broke and I was like nah dude your drive is full. #relax Wednesday, July 30, 2014 1:22:14 PMTwitter Web Client
1. Who's the dick who took the last of the office coffee without making a refill pot Wednesday, July 30, 2014 1:10:18 PMTwitter Web Client
I keep going on and an on about water filtration pitchers... Wednesday, July 30, 2014 1:00:04 PMTwitter Web Client
Colin. Shut the fuck up. Wednesday, July 30, 2014 12:56:32 PMTwitter Web Client
The Director of Engineering legit roams around the office like a creepster on Skype calls with his bluetooth headset. Bro, for srs? Wednesday, July 30, 2014 12:52:24 PMTwitter Web Client
Oh man.. I have absolutely no business being at my desk right now and everyone is asking me 5 million questions and has 20 problems Wednesday, July 30, 2014 12:39:07 PMTwitter Web Client
Wait... Isn't Peter Pan a dude? Why is this chick playing him? http://t.co/b1x3bN6yIR #dafuq Wednesday, July 30, 2014 11:24:10 AMTwitter Web Client
Didn't leave for work yet. You woke me up at 6:30 tho. #sorrynotsorry Wednesday, July 30, 2014 11:20:56 AMTwitter Web Client
Gotta protect those illegal immigrants from getting kicked out on taxpayer's nickle and dime! You GO NYC! http://t.co/GBsOtQrg6x Tuesday, July 29, 2014 11:43:59 PMTwitter Web Client
Really want to get those $1 garlic knots downstairs, but It'll be like $1.08 with tax and I don't want to break $2 and have a ton of coins Tuesday, July 29, 2014 5:28:58 PMTwitter Web Client
RT @Frankalankster: Don't be the person someone else wants you to be. They still won't like you and they'll lose respect for you. Be you. F… Tuesday, July 29, 2014 5:03:37 PMTwitter Web Client
@__JLu @MalJNew Believe it or not, my job tweet complaints are valid.
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
 Tuesday, July 29, 2014 5:01:21 PMTwitter Web Client
Colin: "I made a bash script to loop through a list of init scripts and kick the services that aren't started. I call it kickinit" Tuesday, July 29, 2014 5:00:10 PMTwitter Web Client
Used a business card to fix my spacebar, which was not working when pressed on the left corner because the leverage wire's jacked #LikeABoss Tuesday, July 29, 2014 2:04:36 PMTwitter Web Client
Just realized that my settings marked my images as sensitive. This is not the case, so I removed it. Tuesday, July 29, 2014 9:26:01 AMTwitter Web Client
AT MY SIGNAL, UNLEASH HELL @Fantasy_Mania @tomwcleary @Onethirdof3x5 @Lessard_Eric #fm14 (see y'all tomorrow) Saturday, July 26, 2014 12:23:36 AMTwitter Web Client
The fuck does this guy want at 5:40 on a summer Friday... Can't you see this is dedicated Reddit time? Friday, July 25, 2014 5:38:49 PMTwitter Web Client
@MalJNew just referred to WalMart as Wally World. #Murica Tuesday, July 22, 2014 4:55:26 PMTwitter Web Client
Welp, foursquare is all jacked http://t.co/CLySkoNCKV Tuesday, July 22, 2014 1:42:28 PMTwitter Web Client
Signal loss their fuckin ass. It magically corrected itself... Probably wanted to send a guy here to dick around and say he fixed it Tuesday, July 22, 2014 9:13:08 AMTwitter Web Client
Time Warner speeds dropped. They say I have signal loss. The fuck. They rewired my shit 3 months ago. Fuckers Tuesday, July 22, 2014 8:33:29 AMTwitter Web Client
Modified Iron Mountain's deposit form. Dare me to send this in? #useaPDFbro #DATASS http://t.co/tPgFDcYEUz Monday, July 21, 2014 12:34:25 PMTwitter Web Client
@kerbear88 We are. Everyone good is bouncing like "f this noise" I highly don't recommend it
In reply to @kerbear88's tweet
 Monday, July 21, 2014 10:25:45 AMTwitter Web Client
When I pointed the DB connection to nothing, it fixed it. For fuck's sake our app is such a piece of shit. Sunday, July 20, 2014 11:27:47 PMTwitter Web Client
So I had a server maintenance tonight to swap out config files to prep for go-live. App broke. (see next tweet) Sunday, July 20, 2014 11:27:24 PMTwitter Web Client
We just hired someone named Lynzi. Pretty sure this is the West Virginia way of spelling Lindsay Sunday, July 20, 2014 10:02:03 PMTwitter Web Client
Google sucks. Why is it god damn impossible to find the video manager on youtube? Where is the shit I uploaded assholes? Saturday, July 19, 2014 2:34:10 AMTwitter Web Client
Google needs to fix this fucking hangouts bug on Android, filed by yours truly. Drives me BATSHIT. https://t.co/cvxgvSRkfs Saturday, July 19, 2014 2:31:28 AMTwitter Web Client
my batch scripts tell it like it is http://t.co/HvSGHC22sN Thursday, July 17, 2014 1:16:33 PMTwitter Web Client
RT @KFCBarstool: I'm no aviation navigator but you probably shouldn't fly planes over places where people shoot down planes. Thursday, July 17, 2014 12:55:07 PMTwitter Web Client
Fantastic news! Bugs I filed in 2010 are just being resolved now Thursday, July 17, 2014 12:54:35 PMTwitter Web Client
Protip: Do not watch this video at work and expect NOT to lose your shit in hysteric fits... https://t.co/MRPWdUnBpj Thursday, July 17, 2014 9:06:54 AMTwitter Web Client
Boss just proved me wrong in an email. Almost replied "Sorry that my superior brain cannot comprehend poorly designed systems" Wednesday, July 16, 2014 3:22:36 PMTwitter Web Client
@DowntownNYC Lower Manhattan is a fucking shithole Wednesday, July 16, 2014 2:45:40 PMTwitter Web Client
Our churn is so high, I hope Comcast fired this customer support douche. Would fit right in here @ Booker: https://t.co/mP43ZtlL5l Wednesday, July 16, 2014 11:01:02 AMTwitter Web Client
Note to anyone who wakes me up for a non prod incident: Don't do it or I'll shit on your desk Wednesday, July 16, 2014 10:20:39 AMTwitter Web Client
Oncall guy yesterday was woken up because QA was down for scheduled maintenance. Fucking morons Wednesday, July 16, 2014 10:20:01 AMTwitter Web Client
They try to manage it through their site, but it's slow as hell. I'd rather build an app, forward ports and send CURL requests through.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
 Tuesday, July 15, 2014 2:03:11 PMTwitter Web Client
My DLink Smart Plug (http://t.co/mFEtrFJ2YT) runs lighttpd. Their management interface sux. I will sniff traffic and figure out their API Tuesday, July 15, 2014 2:00:45 PMTwitter Web Client
Denis is blasting Russian metal at obnoxious volumes Tuesday, July 15, 2014 11:39:19 AMTwitter Web Client
Rule: 1002 fired (level 2) -> "Unknown problem somewhere in the system."

Really useful. Fucking OSSEC alerts... 		Friday, July 11, 2014 5:24:50 PMTwitter Web Client
RT @XtinaSchelin: Accept that you will never be as excited as this guy.
Focus - Hocus Pocus: http://youtu.be/RFDW9b_ejfI via @YouTube 		Thursday, July 10, 2014 2:39:34 PMTwitter Web Client
Why is the whole tech industry jizzing about Android smartwatches? I like Android, but fuckin A, this isn't that cool Thursday, July 10, 2014 1:22:31 PMTwitter Web Client
@__JLu @kerbear88 OMG. I remember back in the day when carriers crippled the ability for mp3s to be used as ringtones
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
 Thursday, July 10, 2014 11:59:40 AMTwitter Web Client
I AM GOING TO PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FACE TODAY BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE #BOOKER Thursday, July 10, 2014 10:52:34 AMTwitter Web Client
Company got a Pluralsight license. If you think I'm doing anything other than taking as many free trainings as possible, you're mistaken Wednesday, July 09, 2014 11:16:35 AMTwitter Web Client
Lol. Brazil's goalie is bad Tuesday, July 08, 2014 4:42:51 PMTwitter Web Client
Fixed my cousin's dead hard drive by putting it in the freezer LIKE A BOSS. For real, that shit actually works (pending it's not an SSD) Sunday, July 06, 2014 10:39:53 AMTwitter Web Client
@Waspito I don't like the Galaxy line. End of summer, wait for a Moto X+1 or get an iPhone 6
In reply to @Waspito's tweet
 Thursday, July 03, 2014 9:23:51 AMTwitter Web Client
Who is this Clownface emailing my boss. We don't even know this guy. http://t.co/CjLFDqziih Wednesday, July 02, 2014 5:35:08 PMTwitter Web Client
The Yankees fuckin suuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Wednesday, July 02, 2014 4:27:16 PMTwitter Web Client
Speaking of Jay, gotta love his Chinese Wisdom http://t.co/EbJ2RZZCrd Wednesday, July 02, 2014 11:31:40 AMTwitter Web Client
I am SO tempted to send this dev dude Jay a bug ticket and at the end be like "That shit cray. Ain't it Jay?" Wednesday, July 02, 2014 11:29:16 AMTwitter Web Client
Gotta love the wit and wisdom of @XtinaSchelin. I love when I see ridiculous shit in Active Directory http://t.co/oQkILIPizv Wednesday, July 02, 2014 11:25:41 AMTwitter Web Client
If you can't open a CSV in Excel, you shouldn't be working at a tech company, you guys. Tuesday, July 01, 2014 3:22:25 PMTwitter Web Client
My boss yelled at this other engineer because he sent a let me google that for you link to a dev who couldn't open a csv in Excel Tuesday, July 01, 2014 3:21:48 PMTwitter Web Client
Fucking Drupal: https://t.co/XUI4tQj7bX). Tuesday, July 01, 2014 1:37:43 PMTwitter Web Client
Fuck this noise. I had enough of everyone's bullshit so I just did a hostile takeover of some unused office and am now locked in like a boss Monday, June 30, 2014 4:55:53 PMTwitter Web Client
We are going to have a generation of ignorami if moron politicians who believe in creationist shit make laws to teach idiot common core math Monday, June 30, 2014 1:28:09 PMTwitter Web Client
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS MATH? Use number bonds to help you skip-count by seven by making 10 or adding to the ones. e.g., 7 + 7 = 10 + 4 = ? Monday, June 30, 2014 1:26:39 PMTwitter Web Client
TICKETMASTER IS THE FUCKING WORST Monday, June 30, 2014 3:03:19 AMTwitter Web Client
If I smell Jack Daniels, I'll straight up vomit on the spot. Friday, June 27, 2014 11:36:36 AMTwitter Web Client
Tonight is Sam's going away party. This is going to get reaaaaaallllll sloppy. If I pee on you, I apologize in advance. Thursday, June 26, 2014 6:20:54 PMTwitter Web Client
In case you're interested in how i fixed what I was bitchin about before, https://t.co/7guW2Ltw9W
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
 Thursday, June 26, 2014 2:02:53 PMTwitter Web Client
The Windows command line is fucking convoluted. https://t.co/odTrJlwuhS Shit takes like .5 seconds in Python or bash Thursday, June 26, 2014 1:40:22 PMTwitter Web Client
ESPN can't handle all the traffic lolz. Need a devops engineer? Thursday, June 26, 2014 12:12:04 PMTwitter Web Client
"it occurs to me that sysops is sort of a sausagefest" - @XtinaSchelin Wednesday, June 25, 2014 4:41:48 PMTwitter Web Client
Trying to use curl on the Windows command line is a bitch and a half. Works in 2 seconds in cygwin... Convoluted ass syntax on windows. Tuesday, June 24, 2014 11:38:28 AMTwitter Web Client

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