9538 tweets posted from Twitter for Android
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The MTA sucks 12 cocks. https://t.co/mhEyUhdDf6 #thefuckingsubway

Do yourself a favor and leave this cess pool city 		Tuesday, January 24, 2017 11:57:52 AMTwitter for Android
*their, ya morons @nypost https://t.co/cCEFzojDjt Sunday, January 22, 2017 6:14:05 PMTwitter for Android
My mom just sprayed my feet with Lysol because I walked barefoot in the house. Absolute absurdity... I gotta space my visits out more. Saturday, January 21, 2017 2:03:10 AMTwitter for Android
@portfolioso https://t.co/v3ucZL1OjC
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, January 20, 2017 9:48:48 PMTwitter for Android
Ivanka just came out at this presidential dance thingy on TV and my mom's lezzbehonest for her Friday, January 20, 2017 9:43:46 PMTwitter for Android
Hood ass LaGuardia airport can't even get a jet bridge. Walking down stairs to get off this plane #shithole Friday, January 20, 2017 3:50:20 PMTwitter for Android
Someone get this trash city Philadelphia flight out of my gate. It's lateness is messing with my boarding Friday, January 20, 2017 1:40:24 PMTwitter for Android
Aan =_=:-\:'(:-|:-)=_=:-\=_=:'(=_=:'(:'(=_==_(TT)🚭🚱🚭🛄🛄🚱🛄🚯🚯🚯🛄🛅🚭🛄🛄🛄🚯🛅🚱🚯🚯🚯🚯🚯 Wednesday, January 18, 2017 10:27:38 PMTwitter for Android
https://t.co/zBnACITZWT https://t.co/Ear9brdn72 Wednesday, January 18, 2017 9:33:33 PMTwitter for Android
I'm all jacked up on caffeine as well Wednesday, January 18, 2017 9:31:10 PMTwitter for Android
Also, I'm going to New York next week so you'll be hearing a lot of angry pissed off tweets Wednesday, January 18, 2017 9:21:50 PMTwitter for Android
White chocolate peppermint martini for the winter special. Like pure vodka. I cannot Wednesday, January 18, 2017 9:20:18 PMTwitter for Android
Martini night btw... Explains it https://t.co/jQ8D32J86H Wednesday, January 18, 2017 8:51:41 PMTwitter for Android
70s rock cover band and I can't stop singing harmony Wednesday, January 18, 2017 8:51:18 PMTwitter for Android
Dafuq is a stone fruit? Wednesday, January 18, 2017 8:44:55 PMTwitter for Android
I just called a Monster Energy Zero Ultra "white berry nectar of the forbidden tree" because I'm a cray Wednesday, January 18, 2017 7:20:42 PMTwitter for Android
Is Doc McStuffins some kind of porno? This is the programming we put on Disney Junior? https://t.co/SnTXQ6k8hN Wednesday, January 18, 2017 4:24:53 PMTwitter for Android
We're all the same shit: https://t.co/CjWSuvRAPe Friday, January 13, 2017 12:19:15 AMTwitter for Android
You're rapping about homosexuals and Vicodin. I can't sell this shit. https://t.co/wGr8NGzJai Thursday, January 12, 2017 9:22:05 PMTwitter for Android
You know why Dre's record was so successful? He's rapping about big screen TVs, blunts, 40s & bitches. Thursday, January 12, 2017 9:21:27 PMTwitter for Android
Observation 1: Ubers aren't smelly in Columbus. Thursday, January 12, 2017 7:05:39 PMTwitter for Android
Going out in downtown Columbus tonight. Am on call. DB has been jacked all day. Shall be interesting Thursday, January 12, 2017 6:49:26 PMTwitter for Android
Fiancée just pulled out a pack of sour patch kinds from her purse to share, which is another reason we're getting married. Sunday, January 08, 2017 7:51:01 PMTwitter for Android
"I almost watched Air Force One to feel better about myself" -buddah Thursday, January 05, 2017 8:23:49 PMTwitter for Android
Maybe that made no sense but it like totally did https://t.co/GHEbau9qWI Sunday, January 01, 2017 12:40:46 AMTwitter for Android
So if I yacked twice, and like 98% yacked in the Uber but didn't and still am 0/2017, I'm still winning right? Sunday, January 01, 2017 12:40:00 AMTwitter for Android
Oh fuck the cops Saturday, December 31, 2016 11:15:09 PMTwitter for Android
"Cause my life is dope and I do dope shit" Saturday, December 31, 2016 11:05:40 PMTwitter for Android
Santino's making some devil drink right now Saturday, December 31, 2016 10:55:59 PMTwitter for Android
"No.. noo. The weed will get my baby pregnant" Saturday, December 31, 2016 10:45:19 PMTwitter for Android
Couple hours before midnight and I'm like wastey. Dafuq did that happen? Saturday, December 31, 2016 9:48:33 PMTwitter for Android
RT @sadoperator: i'm not prepared for another year of this shit Friday, December 30, 2016 11:13:10 PMTwitter for Android
@__JLu they know
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
Friday, December 30, 2016 11:10:49 PMTwitter for Android
@__JLu @ky9 or her
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, December 30, 2016 12:49:12 AMTwitter for Android
@__JLu @ky9 tell him to https://t.co/JSsw28MRhE
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
Friday, December 30, 2016 12:48:54 AMTwitter for Android
Flashed new router firmware and it got into a bad state. Thought I bricked. Shitting bricks here Wednesday, December 28, 2016 12:49:12 AMTwitter for Android
"Plane crashes due to passenger who refused to put his phone in airplane mode" -No headline ever Tuesday, December 27, 2016 10:45:00 AMTwitter for Android
Spoiler alert: Voldemort banged Bellatrix Lestrange lmao Tuesday, December 27, 2016 10:27:27 AMTwitter for Android
Tomorrow I fly Tuesday, December 27, 2016 12:03:51 AMTwitter for Android
Bless this highly nutritious macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen. Sunday, December 25, 2016 5:32:55 PMTwitter for Android
HBD to my main man Buddy Christ 🎄🎁 https://t.co/oif5aTmAfQ Sunday, December 25, 2016 1:26:51 AMTwitter for Android
Philly is puke city Thursday, December 22, 2016 8:27:27 PMTwitter for Android
@Fantasy_Mania Philly is trash. Philly Meg is trash
In reply to @Fantasy_Mania's tweet
Thursday, December 22, 2016 6:47:12 PMTwitter for Android
DB points to ya mom https://t.co/mqDgHRPipb Thursday, December 22, 2016 6:40:23 PMTwitter for Android
https://t.co/vHhldbam0w @__JLu Wednesday, December 21, 2016 1:03:15 PMTwitter for Android
I'm so charming in the sense that I called a manager a cocksucker couple months ago and now he's buying me drinks Tuesday, December 20, 2016 6:35:00 PMTwitter for Android
QA manager is an extreme dick for popping a surprise meeting which is requiring me to leave the bar Tuesday, December 20, 2016 3:12:28 PMTwitter for Android
Ok, over NYC already. I want to go back to my puppy Tuesday, December 20, 2016 10:50:03 AMTwitter for Android
Still can't get over the fact that the railroad, after making millions of people's lives miserable, is telling me not to curse at them. Monday, December 19, 2016 10:34:55 PMTwitter for Android
This is why the ticket prices are obnoxiously inflated Monday, December 19, 2016 10:18:21 PMTwitter for Android
The railroad telling me to refrain from inappropriate language is hysterical. Y you pay some poor soul to answer social media at 10? Monday, December 19, 2016 10:17:36 PMTwitter for Android
RT @MetroNorth: @portfolioso As a reminder, this is a public site and we ask all users to refrain from inappropriate language. Monday, December 19, 2016 10:12:55 PMTwitter for Android
@MetroNorth Apologies. My Twitter is a satire account and is marked as possibly inappropriate.
In reply to @MetroNorth's tweet
Monday, December 19, 2016 10:10:53 PMTwitter for Android
Printed the wrong receipt. How am.I supposed to expense this. Cunts @MetroNorth https://t.co/Uri4Sf66jY Monday, December 19, 2016 9:56:57 PMTwitter for Android
Absolutely outrageous that it's $47 for two round trip peak tickets. Paying for service delays and derailments. Get lawst Monday, December 19, 2016 9:43:10 PMTwitter for Android
Parents' '70s stove has a pilot light. What a goddamn piece of shit. Constantly burning gas is a waste of energy. Monday, December 19, 2016 2:32:31 AMTwitter for Android
Look at all these shit ingredients. This is why everyone gets cancer https://t.co/fgWuqSQ6ne Sunday, December 18, 2016 12:51:44 PMTwitter for Android
#datazzdoe #thic https://t.co/7li0oNI7cT Saturday, December 17, 2016 10:43:42 PMTwitter for Android
Gotta go to a dinner theater show tomorrow with the fam at like 11am after drinking my ass off so pls donate drugs kthx Saturday, December 17, 2016 9:31:23 PMTwitter for Android
The bottom of the bottom shelf dranks all night so pls kill me tomorrow Saturday, December 17, 2016 9:29:29 PMTwitter for Android
@KFCBarstool fuck you Clancy. iPhones are for saps
In reply to @KFCBarstool's tweet
Saturday, December 17, 2016 9:26:03 PMTwitter for Android
In a leopard dress https://t.co/Eg1ak43oqe Saturday, December 17, 2016 9:06:45 PMTwitter for Android
See. This is why I'm marrying @MalJNew. It's because she's twerking the most to Ja Rule Saturday, December 17, 2016 9:05:45 PMTwitter for Android
F- bartending Saturday, December 17, 2016 7:28:54 PMTwitter for Android
What kind of moronic @NYCTSubway assholes decided to close an escalator at the GCT 4/5 during rush hour? Total clusterfuck #thefuckingsubway Thursday, December 15, 2016 6:42:17 PMTwitter for Android
Once again, people don't use their heads. Y U poop in stall directly next to me when there are like 4others free. #gtfo Thursday, December 15, 2016 9:44:45 AMTwitter for Android
Pat just broke the birthing chair Thursday, December 15, 2016 12:24:49 AMTwitter for Android
This smelly motherfucker thinks I'm a greenhorn and is going down all the busiest streets when there's faster ways. Fucking hate cabbies Thursday, December 15, 2016 12:01:26 AMTwitter for Android
Cabbie smells like shit, as per usual. NYC is so fuckin savage and uncivilized. Absolutely vile city Wednesday, December 14, 2016 11:30:58 PMTwitter for Android
also thought I was gonna get shot taking that pic
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, December 14, 2016 11:28:52 PMTwitter for Android
@portfolioso you really can't post a pic in a quote tweet? Twitter sux https://t.co/xTuUftzMq8
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, December 14, 2016 11:28:33 PMTwitter for Android
BiggieTupac mobile Wednesday, December 14, 2016 11:25:13 PMTwitter for Android
Whisky gingers for days Wednesday, December 14, 2016 8:04:38 PMTwitter for Android
Like your ad @GetSpectrum https://t.co/RrQ4O1QzSm Tuesday, December 13, 2016 8:32:33 AMTwitter for Android
Day after the company party. Feel like death and still .07 BAC Tuesday, December 13, 2016 8:12:35 AMTwitter for Android
Now everyone's screaming Pearl Jam at the top of their lungs at the bar and I'm in heaven. Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:59:33 AMTwitter for Android
"I gave that homeless guy $20 hopefully not for booze and drugs, because I'd just spend it on booze and drugs" -VP at my company Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:30:54 AMTwitter for Android
Also, I didn't just break a glass at the bar amirite Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:11:55 AMTwitter for Android
I mean... I can type. So I'm sober ish right? https://t.co/y7J4p1wRX0 Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:11:11 AMTwitter for Android
Just blew a .16 on the breathalyzer. I can double not drive! Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:10:36 AMTwitter for Android
@keegs141 xanax
In reply to @keegs141's tweet
Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:08:16 AMTwitter for Android
Just broke a glass at the bar. Swear to God that never happens Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:07:44 AMTwitter for Android
Pretty sure I drunkenly rambled to our most brilliant VP ever. Sue me Monday, December 12, 2016 11:20:20 PMTwitter for Android
Bored AF in this meeting Monday, December 12, 2016 3:47:47 PMTwitter for Android
I didn't Just blow a .09 and I'm not falling asleep during our team meeting Monday, December 12, 2016 3:18:25 PMTwitter for Android
Why would anyone name their daughter Sloan? That's naming her after a fuckin toilet Monday, December 12, 2016 1:45:22 PMTwitter for Android
My Twitter newsfeed is basically Facebook right now. Complete bullshit ads and "you might like" fuck off bring back chronological Monday, December 12, 2016 1:11:30 PMTwitter for Android
How much you wanna bet I walk out of this MetroNorth shitbox and then the subways running like shit? Monday, December 12, 2016 9:19:20 AMTwitter for Android
I should just hit up the keg in the office instead of the morning coffee because of this shit Monday, December 12, 2016 9:18:22 AMTwitter for Android
Shuffle function on @GooglePlayMusic stinks. I got like 4 of the same artist in a row Monday, December 12, 2016 8:55:27 AMTwitter for Android
This entire city stinks. Monday, December 12, 2016 8:53:04 AMTwitter for Android
If I had to put up with this shit every day, I'd end up licking the third rail Monday, December 12, 2016 8:51:56 AMTwitter for Android
Straight up don't understand how people put up with this shit every day without luck g the third rail Monday, December 12, 2016 8:50:37 AMTwitter for Android
I gotta get a job in Columbus so I don't have to put up with this horse shit every month Monday, December 12, 2016 8:50:01 AMTwitter for Android
Back in NY ONE day and the infrastructure is running like shit. Typical inferior New York bullshit. Monday, December 12, 2016 8:47:55 AMTwitter for Android
Happy Monday @MetroNorth running like delays and shit as per usual #cunts Monday, December 12, 2016 8:34:55 AMTwitter for Android
@timehop should fix the UI in the Android app when there's no network but the carrier still reports 4G. Looks absolutely vile. Be better https://t.co/Hkc7ZXFZQK
In reply to @timehop's tweet
Monday, December 12, 2016 8:24:16 AMTwitter for Android
Don't need to download this guide. Just tell the devs to go easier on the weed. https://t.co/KbMpYp4kpK Monday, December 12, 2016 1:43:32 AMTwitter for Android
@Fantasy_Mania @Lessard_Eric probably because I didn't help draft his team this year.
In reply to @Fantasy_Mania's tweet
Monday, December 12, 2016 1:36:41 AMTwitter for Android
@drunk @JkBarr55 https://t.co/kytuJq1GJf
In reply to @drunk's tweet
Monday, December 12, 2016 1:32:48 AMTwitter for Android