Folks. I wish I can make this up, but I am not bullshitting you. I'm not that creative https://t.co/9iBFj9zu9K
My wedding officiant is stealing the best man's socks and trying to feed them to my dog. I've made very good life decisions.
Just took a selfie with my dog and it's no bueno.
Danny's down for the count. I repeat! We've got a groomsman down!
My bride: "Have you ever been cabrewing? It's like.. canoing, but with beer"
I keep losing my beer
I think dogs understand the meaning of the universe, but play stupid to fool us. Humans don't. Joke's on us.
"you have large nuptials"
I need to put on my whitestrips but it says you can't eat or drink and these beers are going down way too smoothly so no thanks
He was talking about @Handy https://t.co/arJUcoyuu9
I just walked into my house and the first thing I heard from a groomsman was "their logo is jerk off material"
Last day before two weeks off, so cuncel da tickets. Literally cuncelling a dumb ticket someone sent me https://t.co/qEnTS4uE7k
@__JLu Hate that too. If I'm almost going 90 in the left lane and someone's up my ass, by all means, I'd rather them pass and get the ticket
Yo @SIRIUSXM Lithium's killin it rn.
Attention assholes in left lane: If I'm tailgating you, move over - you're too slow.