9538 tweets posted from Twitter for Android
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Goddamn it. It's 1:30 am and people are passed out already. It's a bachelor party. Stop being a buncha fuckin pussies Saturday, August 12, 2017 1:29:50 AMTwitter for Android
Every time I go to a bachelor party I end up with a new nickname. First it was Jorge. Now it's Smooth J Saturday, August 12, 2017 12:02:46 AMTwitter for Android
I'm already assigned as a driver at this bachelor party because half the guys have their licenses suspended. #degenerates Friday, August 11, 2017 10:57:33 AMTwitter for Android
Omg Brett. Saturday, August 05, 2017 9:59:32 PMTwitter for Android
Todd Frazier! Holy smokes. That was some Scott Brosius shit right there Saturday, August 05, 2017 9:19:24 PMTwitter for Android
I had a couple drinks you guys and was singing to my dog and was so happy because she liked it and wagged her tail. Now I'm bawling. Saturday, August 05, 2017 3:30:22 PMTwitter for Android
Cuncel this game. Cuncel the fireworks Friday, August 04, 2017 9:51:59 PMTwitter for Android
I see the Yanks have runners in scoring position again. Which means they won't get them in... 0- a million with risp this past week Friday, August 04, 2017 9:06:50 PMTwitter for Android
Oh come onnnn. I screamed all rise at a kid in a judge's wig at the Jake and he ignored me. Friday, August 04, 2017 6:30:58 PMTwitter for Android
Santa Claus over here with the baseball bat cane... This guy fucks https://t.co/YCwJrB78Te Friday, August 04, 2017 6:15:51 PMTwitter for Android
Yanks/Indians ALCS 2017. Mark my words. Friday, August 04, 2017 6:10:09 PMTwitter for Android
These $2 Miller lites taste like asshole. Bad batch. I'm sticking to hot dogs Friday, August 04, 2017 5:53:57 PMTwitter for Android
Onion hot dog girl is such a sluttttt https://t.co/1sC1IT9pQw Friday, August 04, 2017 5:52:30 PMTwitter for Android
I might drop a deuce at the Jake tonight Friday, August 04, 2017 5:48:14 PMTwitter for Android
Hey @instagram I'm drinking a the Jake and accidentally dm videoed a stranger and now I can't add them to my story. Lame Friday, August 04, 2017 5:46:36 PMTwitter for Android
Son of a bitch. I'm such an old millennial. I just took two insta stories of me eating a hot dog and accidently directed them to strangers Friday, August 04, 2017 5:33:49 PMTwitter for Android
Well that's some bullshit they open them for you. Now I can't shotgun https://t.co/9w0JkuLqiS Friday, August 04, 2017 5:12:18 PMTwitter for Android
It's $2 beer cans at the Jake and it's gonna get real sloppy. Friday, August 04, 2017 5:02:43 PMTwitter for Android
There's a gentleman wearing Chief Wahoo earrings, and he's a baller Friday, August 04, 2017 4:57:41 PMTwitter for Android
The security guard gentleman just welcomed us all to Progressive Field and I was like bullshit, it's the Jake Friday, August 04, 2017 4:55:22 PMTwitter for Android
@jiaaro Read an article that you can get hacked in the 20 seconds between when you connect to the WiFi and when you connect to the VPN
In reply to @jiaaro's tweet
Friday, August 04, 2017 4:45:59 PMTwitter for Android
I'm at the Jake and there are a billion Judge jerseys here, you guys https://t.co/1WnF7Edl0Q Friday, August 04, 2017 4:38:27 PMTwitter for Android
Oh wait I'm not even on call anymore. It's just that this Putin-loving dickhead missed his alerts Wednesday, August 02, 2017 2:47:54 AMTwitter for Android
On top of shit leadership and Azure being a cunt. Get lawst. I hate this place Wednesday, August 02, 2017 2:33:26 AMTwitter for Android
I got woken up for server alerts every goddamn night of my on call this this week. This fucking piece of shit platform... Wednesday, August 02, 2017 2:32:51 AMTwitter for Android
Sabathia stinks Tuesday, August 01, 2017 7:54:52 PMTwitter for Android
Jesus Christ, CC Tuesday, August 01, 2017 7:35:03 PMTwitter for Android
Indians are on TV and my boy @a_miller48 just came in. I called him my homeskillet and Mal just told me I was in middle school. Tuesday, July 25, 2017 10:06:31 PMTwitter for Android
It's taco Tuesday. I already had too many house margs,​ and I just spilled salsa on my dick area (to quote the Biebs) Tuesday, July 25, 2017 9:57:01 PMTwitter for Android
I want a cheeseburger Sunday, July 23, 2017 1:13:38 AMTwitter for Android
Out at a show and wifey's all like "You're grabbing my ass a lot tonight"

No kidding. You want me to grab other girls' asses? 		Sunday, July 23, 2017 12:18:07 AMTwitter for Android
I called it. I said Judge was hitting one to the moon. Next pitch. Dinger. Friday, July 21, 2017 11:38:10 PMTwitter for Android
Wife stole her friend's phone and is Tindering and doesn't know her left from right Friday, July 21, 2017 10:20:24 PMTwitter for Android
My cousin went to a Michelle Branch concert a couple days ago in Seattle and I'm like still jelly. Friday, July 21, 2017 6:47:43 PMTwitter for Android
I'm gonna go be wreckless so like. Bottoms up I don't get arrested or some shit. Good day. Wednesday, July 19, 2017 10:54:26 PMTwitter for Android
Everything's a fucking disaster Wednesday, July 19, 2017 9:22:46 PMTwitter for Android
So can I mute GoT tweets? Sunday, July 16, 2017 9:44:20 PMTwitter for Android
$30 Uber home because the wife decided to drink all day long instead of not drinking all day long and picking me up instead 😎😁 Sunday, July 16, 2017 9:43:40 PMTwitter for Android
Airplane mode is a myth made up by people who don't understand physics. If it were really that dangerous, they'd make us check our phones. Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:42:19 PMTwitter for Android
I didn't expect him to pop off like I usually do. I'm a cray. He looks like a gentlemanly suit type. Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:41:12 PMTwitter for Android
And we're both still not in airplane mode. Relax guys, everything will be fine. https://t.co/JyDXmm5C53 Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:40:28 PMTwitter for Android
A+ move by the guy next to me who told the flight attendant to shut the fuck up under his breath when she was bitching about airplane mode. Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:39:47 PMTwitter for Android
Game of Thrones is so overly hyped and mainstream, that I refuse to watch it. I don't care about dragons and magic. Never saw it. Never will Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:24:00 PMTwitter for Android
Also, eat a dick if you're taking up seats with like the outlets but aren't using them. Sit in the non outlet seats Sunday, July 16, 2017 7:00:14 PMTwitter for Android
Delta doesn't have enough seats with power outlets at Logan 😒 Sunday, July 16, 2017 6:58:44 PMTwitter for Android
You guys. I was wearing a beater as a joke all day yesterday and now I have white trash tan lines. Sunday, July 16, 2017 8:55:36 AMTwitter for Android
Welp. Wore the beater as a joke all day and now I've got beater tan lines. Fml Sunday, July 16, 2017 2:26:56 AMTwitter for Android
What will happen first? @MotorolaUS suck it, I'm getting a pixel next. Way to keep your shit updated assholes Sunday, July 16, 2017 2:17:48 AMTwitter for Android
Welp. It's been an absolute awesome week on the road but I'm ready to head home and see my girlies @MalJNew and Luna! Sunday, July 16, 2017 1:53:54 AMTwitter for Android
This is a dick pahhhty Saturday, July 15, 2017 11:57:29 PMTwitter for Android
Someone get @DadBoner to this bachelor party immijitly https://t.co/LmhcIFZ0Ic Saturday, July 15, 2017 5:58:00 PMTwitter for Android
Interesting​ position of this rivet. This cartoon assed girl is blasting some nips https://t.co/VV3vQaMoYp Saturday, July 15, 2017 4:46:31 PMTwitter for Android
Dicks out for NASCAR Saturday, July 15, 2017 4:37:55 PMTwitter for Android
@jiaaro The biebs!!!!!
In reply to @jiaaro's tweet
Saturday, July 15, 2017 1:53:53 PMTwitter for Android
Which Doritos​ do you prefer? Saturday, July 15, 2017 1:52:27 PMTwitter for Android
I'm concerned about the abundance of snap hotdogs and dick convos being had this weekend. Saturday, July 15, 2017 10:18:23 AMTwitter for Android
"Good thing I've got my CostCo card. We're about to buy dick in bulk" Saturday, July 15, 2017 10:10:09 AMTwitter for Android
15 guys here, none of us thought to buy water Saturday, July 15, 2017 7:42:17 AMTwitter for Android
Hungover af. Phones at 2% and my piss smells like asparagus metabolite. Saturday, July 15, 2017 7:35:02 AMTwitter for Android
Five guys over shake shack? Dafuq you smoking? https://t.co/VXbZWY0GB2 Saturday, July 15, 2017 1:23:18 AMTwitter for Android
Saturdays are for Lessard. But they're all passed out so we'll try this again at 9vtimirrow Saturday, July 15, 2017 1:01:27 AMTwitter for Android
The Doors, duh. Jim Morrison, 1969. https://t.co/xjXcj5zJ8s Friday, July 14, 2017 10:51:40 PMTwitter for Android
@KFCBarstool It's Friday, idiot.
In reply to @KFCBarstool's tweet
Friday, July 14, 2017 10:05:28 PMTwitter for Android
@ehubbs13 El Gary fucks
In reply to @ehubbs13's tweet
Friday, July 14, 2017 9:58:57 PMTwitter for Android
Omg my pee smells like asparagus and I thought drinking beers would dilute it but no, it doesn't Friday, July 14, 2017 9:58:12 PMTwitter for Android
https://t.co/dgz5T12yYo Friday, July 14, 2017 8:27:17 PMTwitter for Android
This is gonna get sloppy reallllll quick. Already did two shotguns Friday, July 14, 2017 8:06:34 PMTwitter for Android
I need to find me some of these colored pencil trees. I want to grow my own colored pencils. https://t.co/uiYiPDjUF2 Friday, July 14, 2017 7:44:05 PMTwitter for Android
I'm drinking a billion beers this weekend, you guys Friday, July 14, 2017 6:39:33 PMTwitter for Android
This is preposterous. There should be prison sentences for using 12 gallons of perfume in public Friday, July 14, 2017 10:40:26 AMTwitter for Android
I need a goddamn gas mask. This is bananas. Friday, July 14, 2017 10:15:51 AMTwitter for Android
Person on this bus is essentially Consuela and has WAY too much perfume.on and I'm gonna puke all over her. https://t.co/EOqW9hkfxY Friday, July 14, 2017 10:11:08 AMTwitter for Android
https://t.co/LIvJSOSmtK Friday, July 14, 2017 7:44:22 AMTwitter for Android
Can you imagine the pair of balls to tell me this? Guess what. My lunches now been upgraded to 1.5 hours. https://t.co/SCyj1kuTqm Friday, July 14, 2017 7:43:27 AMTwitter for Android
Something new now. Getting reprimanded for taking your full hour unpaid lunch break because the rest of the team doesn't do it. Friday, July 14, 2017 7:42:38 AMTwitter for Android
Taking a bus from Port Authority is not ideal. #travelwiththepoors Friday, July 14, 2017 7:11:56 AMTwitter for Android
I don't even know how to get the snap hotdog because I'm an old millennial. IDK how that shit works https://t.co/Bg2wBZnRjN Thursday, July 13, 2017 11:14:57 PMTwitter for Android
I brought jorts back. Now I'm bringing giant suitcases back to bars. Thursday, July 13, 2017 11:13:27 PMTwitter for Android
The snap hotdog fucks Thursday, July 13, 2017 11:11:40 PMTwitter for Android
Solid advice https://t.co/wVK0HQzhOO Thursday, July 13, 2017 10:18:45 PMTwitter for Android
Median age at this bar in the LES is like 23. I'm too old for this shit Thursday, July 13, 2017 10:14:16 PMTwitter for Android
Get the actual fuck outta here. I'm gonna spend 800k for a shitty antique house on a small lot, only to rebuild it? This area stinks https://t.co/5MLkBFXmBj Wednesday, July 12, 2017 6:31:56 PMTwitter for Android
Probably because I spent the last two hours at the bar tho tbh https://t.co/Q2GAGCWEpj Wednesday, July 12, 2017 6:18:03 PMTwitter for Android
Sometimes you get a shitty shuffle that stinks! Not today. The MTA could shut down and I'd still be happy! https://t.co/c5Z7zqrCz7 Wednesday, July 12, 2017 6:17:35 PMTwitter for Android
Thumbs up shuffle playlist for the commute home started with The Guess Who followed by the Black Keys so it's gonna be a good one. Wednesday, July 12, 2017 6:17:06 PMTwitter for Android
Thumbs up playlist started with The Guess Who, followed by the Black Keys, so it's gonna be a good one Wednesday, July 12, 2017 6:15:32 PMTwitter for Android
Son of a bitch. There's a fireball rep at the bar giving out shots. I need this like I need a hole in my head, but I'm still gonna take em. Wednesday, July 12, 2017 4:50:49 PMTwitter for Android
Let's go the fuck to the bahhhhhh Wednesday, July 12, 2017 4:05:28 PMTwitter for Android
@ky9 Popcorn ceilings are the WORST
In reply to @ky9's tweet
Monday, July 10, 2017 10:48:48 PMTwitter for Android
Yankees are cunceled as long as Joe keeps putting Clippard out there. Absolutely disgusting watching this team collapse Saturday, July 08, 2017 1:54:01 AMTwitter for Android
George Barrie knows how to play a guitar. Jesus. Friday, July 07, 2017 9:47:05 PMTwitter for Android
I mean.. I was rooting for the Texas rangers... Tuesday, July 04, 2017 12:19:48 AMTwitter for Android
This beer has a hint of moth balls and earth Monday, July 03, 2017 11:25:19 PMTwitter for Android
See. I've got this bachelor party coming up in North Carolina and if you don't think I'm wearing Los jorts and a beater you're false Monday, July 03, 2017 11:21:08 PMTwitter for Android
RT @ehubbs13: If you do the wave at a Yankee game you should jump off a bridge Monday, July 03, 2017 10:56:22 PMTwitter for Android
This here fat fuck just ate a cheeseburger and one and a half sausage and peppers sandwiches. Sunday, July 02, 2017 9:02:54 PMTwitter for Android
Fourth of July and I made the bomb dot com sausage and peppers. Suck my dick Sunday, July 02, 2017 8:37:17 PMTwitter for Android
Dear any modern store ever... Please don't accept checks. Sunday, July 02, 2017 1:15:09 PMTwitter for Android
There's an antique in front of me writing out a check at the grocery store and I ain't got no time for that Sunday, July 02, 2017 1:13:04 PMTwitter for Android
Gardy hit that grand salami. Yeahhhhhhhhh. Yanks are officially back Friday, June 30, 2017 10:57:32 PMTwitter for Android