9538 tweets posted from Twitter for Android
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Shit. Gotta go back to work. I'm fuckin goooooooddd right now. Jesus. Tuesday, May 14, 2019 3:04:07 PMTwitter for Android
If you don't think my fat fuckin ass is eating a Premio sausage and pep tonight at the Stadium, you're sorely mistaken. Tuesday, May 14, 2019 2:56:56 PMTwitter for Android
Must be a slow news day for this goddamn tabloid of a paper https://t.co/yd3pQfk6ti Tuesday, May 14, 2019 2:23:07 PMTwitter for Android
The one time I'm actually in the office, my boss was remote and heard me calling him an asshole through my coworkers mic, who was in a call with him... Whoops Tuesday, May 14, 2019 2:08:08 PMTwitter for Android
Well technically it won't go into effect yet in this case, but for the future...
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Monday, May 13, 2019 10:50:39 PMTwitter for Android
No free speech anymore? I blame these radical hate group assholes for this, because now companies regulate what we can say. I can't call my governor an asshole these days? https://t.co/sGYksDRkMc Monday, May 13, 2019 10:48:56 PMTwitter for Android
Jesus Christ, @MikeDeWine. You're going to force this this poor 11 year old rape victim to give birth to this rapist piece of shit's child? Deny her of a proper childhood and teen years because some shithead raped her against her will? Get the Fuck lost

https://t.co/uifIcrkjkc 		Monday, May 13, 2019 10:47:06 PMTwitter for Android
Lmao because the Chrome material redesign looks like ass. Edge beta actually looks nice

https://t.co/RC4iVZ2FDA 		Monday, May 13, 2019 10:30:16 PMTwitter for Android
I've been in NYC for like 10 mins and

1) half of LaGuardia's ceilings have leaks and tarps on them

2) been in a cab for 3 blocks and my anxiety is already through the roof 		Monday, May 13, 2019 9:07:33 AMTwitter for Android
You've gotta be outside your mind to even consider a Facebook Portal. Fuck that. It's like giving those cagey bastards a portal into your living room. Sneaky ass Zuck with his garbage security, spying on you. Fuckouttahea. Tuesday, May 07, 2019 2:00:00 AMTwitter for Android
But according to Republicans, there is no global warming, glyphosate isn't a carcinogen, beautiful clean coal is good, windmills cause cancer and it's cool to unprotect millions of acres of parks to drill for fucking oil.

Drop dead in 2019 and get educated.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, May 01, 2019 3:04:33 AMTwitter for Android
Fuck the fuckin EPA. Might as well abolish it and save money if they're not going to do dick to help the environment
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, May 01, 2019 3:01:38 AMTwitter for Android
"the benefits that glyphosate confers to growers outweigh the geographically limited risks to non-target organisms."

Translation: It'll give tons of people cancer but we don't give a shit. We don't care about human lives and would rather yield healthier crops"
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, May 01, 2019 3:00:49 AMTwitter for Android
Whatever idiot @EPA scientists are saying this should be required to wash themselves in RoundUp twice a day.
https://t.co/9UgxJA093e 		Wednesday, May 01, 2019 2:57:16 AMTwitter for Android
Asian countries have 1gig internet for the equivalent of $20/month. Costs me $65/month for 100/10. What about the hicks in the boonies on dial up trying to hit up https://t.co/DQrvHHb3RU. They deserve fast broadband too

This is an outrage, @AjitPaiFCC you corporate shill asshole
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, May 01, 2019 2:53:43 AMTwitter for Android
United States is the fucking laughingstock of the world with its broadband speeds. For such a developed nation, why are we so behind everyone else?
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Wednesday, May 01, 2019 2:50:49 AMTwitter for Android
Hey @AjitPaiFCC ... This is fucking deplorable. So you increase investment and require that 40% of ~441k rural locations get 25/3 MBPS brodband by the end 2022? This is an embarrassment. 1) those speeds stink. 2) 2022 is a long way off https://t.co/O9tDz1o4Pi Wednesday, May 01, 2019 2:49:29 AMTwitter for Android
Pulled every single muscle trying to pull the starter 800 times and also have a blister in my hand.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Monday, April 29, 2019 12:44:33 PMTwitter for Android
Lawnmower: 1
Joe: 0

Pops was over last week and we tuned it up: new oil, cleaned the spark plug... Started in one pull after sitting all winter. One week later, hardly runs. Dafuq 		Monday, April 29, 2019 12:43:32 PMTwitter for Android
Centos7 can suck it with their antique yum packages. "Stability" my ass I want the latest.

Shit just works in Ubuntu. Everything's the goddamn runaround getting it working in CentOS 		Sunday, April 28, 2019 3:54:29 PMTwitter for Android
Ok here's the thing! Cancel all the highly paid, all-star weaklings on the injured list. These no name kids are killin it. World Series back on. Thursday, April 25, 2019 1:40:38 AMTwitter for Android
Maybe I'm being a cynical Yankee fan over here... I should be happy we're up 6-5 after bitching all night but all I can think of is "which bullpen asshole is going to blow the save?" Thursday, April 25, 2019 1:21:44 AMTwitter for Android
Gary Sanchez fields like a goddamn 4 year old tee baller Wednesday, April 24, 2019 11:11:27 PMTwitter for Android
Jesus Christ, CC Wednesday, April 24, 2019 11:08:13 PMTwitter for Android
ISPs and governments can go eat a dick https://t.co/PdExIvMlQb Wednesday, April 24, 2019 10:20:15 PMTwitter for Android
I just want to go to bed. Picked the wrong game to get invested into... Tuesday, April 23, 2019 2:13:16 AMTwitter for Android
Jesus H. Christ Tuesday, April 23, 2019 1:55:21 AMTwitter for Android
This game is harshing my mellow right now Tuesday, April 23, 2019 1:52:29 AMTwitter for Android
Jesus Christ, Chapman... This can never be easy, can it? You're giving me agita over here Tuesday, April 23, 2019 1:47:08 AMTwitter for Android
https://t.co/0T2GNVP8YY https://t.co/UcxKcRr2ku Friday, April 19, 2019 2:31:53 AMTwitter for Android
@dunkindonuts would never pull this shit. Need to open up more locations in my area because I'm mad at Starbucks.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, April 19, 2019 2:29:03 AMTwitter for Android
I'm a new dad and literally racked up like 200 stars in the past month because wifey and I only end up going on Starbucks dates now and they took all my stars away.

Eat a dick
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, April 19, 2019 2:28:13 AMTwitter for Android
Then you have @Starbucks taking away all my stars. I just joined the loyalty program last month and they changed it? The FUCK?!?!?? Friday, April 19, 2019 2:26:32 AMTwitter for Android
Oh thank Christ. No one wanted to hear that old man sing every 7th inning. https://t.co/ldZnO5MkNc Friday, April 19, 2019 2:11:18 AMTwitter for Android
People had enough of that shithole. Good pizza though

https://t.co/87TVq0srKZ 		Friday, April 19, 2019 12:40:45 AMTwitter for Android
You know what the problem is these days with MLB? Players aren't ripping coke and amphetamines anymore. Look at the 86 Mets. Savage team. Now everyone's a fuckin weakling on the injured list
https://t.co/ZEXgJryais 		Saturday, April 13, 2019 1:11:32 PMTwitter for Android
😠 @MikeDeWine is an old white asshole who should not be telling women what they can do with their bodies.

What a moron. Do you know how much money this is going to waste in lawsuits? Why can't you be more like @JohnKasich 		Saturday, April 13, 2019 12:23:37 AMTwitter for Android
Just saw a commercial for a Hyundai Kona and it's the pictorial definition of a basic betch mobile Tuesday, April 09, 2019 9:22:39 PMTwitter for Android
The Yankees STINK. Aaron Boone stinks. Larry Rothschild stinks. Tuesday, April 09, 2019 9:15:04 PMTwitter for Android
The Yankees STINK Monday, April 08, 2019 10:12:31 PMTwitter for Android
Zac Britton STINKS Monday, April 08, 2019 9:44:15 PMTwitter for Android
@RockNationRadio @mitchlafon Gotta do vinyl. Yeah it's analog, but hipster
In reply to @RockNationRadio's tweet
Saturday, April 06, 2019 10:17:08 PMTwitter for Android
The Yankees STINK Saturday, April 06, 2019 10:11:13 PMTwitter for Android
Our president is severely brain damaged

https://t.co/6xnv8p259w 		Thursday, April 04, 2019 3:00:44 AMTwitter for Android
For fucks sake. If I would have started Peralta in the outfield instead of garbage Nimmo on the shit ass Mets, I would have won fantasy baseball this week. Sunday, March 31, 2019 8:09:22 PMTwitter for Android
Hey @realDonaldTrump: go fuck yourself
https://t.co/V2sUqrGdya 		Sunday, March 31, 2019 3:11:51 PMTwitter for Android
I'm all for less government regulation, but this fuckin HACK @AjitPaiFCC is a corporate shill moron. So it's okay for ISPs to allow paid traffic prioritization and other nonsense, but not for the government to tell ISPs to treat all traffic equally? Suck it https://t.co/ZqrXyrYR4Y Friday, March 29, 2019 10:03:59 PMTwitter for Android
So with this Viking cruise ship... Was the bar still open at least? Because I would have thrown a Titanic drinking rager!
https://t.co/PM3oQvkkLo 		Tuesday, March 26, 2019 10:18:00 AMTwitter for Android
Laugh out loud funny, tooting of their own horn. "Fox News is the best, says Fox News" 🤣😂🤣😂 #morons https://t.co/ipqE4dTp8i Tuesday, March 26, 2019 12:09:57 AMTwitter for Android
Then they wonder why the MTA is pure garbage... Someone pin this bastard down to the third rail
https://t.co/lqpGIuccSF 		Monday, March 25, 2019 11:36:33 PMTwitter for Android
Fuck this shit.. we need to ban glypohosate NOW https://t.co/h5T6GwWgkU Saturday, March 23, 2019 4:51:17 AMTwitter for Android
The fucking IRS didn't waste any time taking my damn money. I scheduled a payment for Monday, 3/25 and they drafted it from my account RIGHT NOW. At 2:30 AM on a Saturday #eatadick Saturday, March 23, 2019 2:42:08 AMTwitter for Android
I mean... I won't hurt or neglect them... They're helpless rodents... But if they vanished, I'd be better off
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, March 22, 2019 2:23:41 AMTwitter for Android
I need to take a shower because I stink of that theater bitch's perfume - just from being in the seat next to her Friday, March 22, 2019 1:02:30 AMTwitter for Android
I didn't sign to for this shit
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, March 22, 2019 1:00:13 AMTwitter for Android
If I wasn't around, the place would look like Tobacco Road, and as the dedicated housekeeper, I don't have time or patience for these rats to stink up an entire room of the house and require a 20 min cage cleaning each week
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Friday, March 22, 2019 12:59:23 AMTwitter for Android
These guinea pigs the wife impulse purchased in 2015 really need to kick the bucket soon on the grounds that they're a pain in the ass to take care of and I have more imoirtant priorities Friday, March 22, 2019 12:56:11 AMTwitter for Android
My NY asshole-ness came out real hard. Ruthless. Bet this Miss Piggy looking bitch won't be wearing perfume in public again after hearing my mouth run
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Thursday, March 21, 2019 9:16:09 PMTwitter for Android
Absolute savage. Just took a leak and the urinal cake smells better. For fucks sake
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Thursday, March 21, 2019 9:12:10 PMTwitter for Android
This lady next to me smells like striaght up HOOKER
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Thursday, March 21, 2019 9:11:34 PMTwitter for Android
They should make it legal to shoot a person who wears 5 gallons of perfume to a Broadway show Thursday, March 21, 2019 9:11:06 PMTwitter for Android
@ky9 @GovNedLamont Metro North stinks. The highways stinks. It all stinks.
In reply to @ky9's tweet
Thursday, March 21, 2019 6:59:50 PMTwitter for Android
Welp, there goes the fuckin bracket... Thursday, March 21, 2019 6:59:00 PMTwitter for Android
Graphic:

Protip: Don't feed dog dark leafy, stringy, greens... You will end up pulling it out of their butt because said leaf gets stuck 		Tuesday, March 19, 2019 2:41:59 PMTwitter for Android
EPA KEEPS REMOVING ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS AND YOU ARE PROMOTING FOSSIL FUELS YOU GOD DAMN IGNORAMUS. Top of what list? https://t.co/esDdgwE02B Sunday, March 17, 2019 1:45:24 AMTwitter for Android
@XtinaSchelin Check the rev checker tooltips
In reply to @XtinaSchelin's tweet
Sunday, March 17, 2019 1:35:14 AMTwitter for Android
Carbon monoxide you dumb shit... It's like going to sleep. Problem solved. @MikeDeWine

DeWine not sure Ohio can come up with a constitutional execution method https://t.co/ET96xeb3EB 		Sunday, March 17, 2019 1:34:27 AMTwitter for Android
@Android are you guys serious with Android Q's ugly ass black notch cutout in screenshots? Fix that shit before it gets released Saturday, March 16, 2019 8:29:32 AMTwitter for Android
@ky9 I'm on the abusers list. They're watching me
In reply to @ky9's tweet
Monday, March 11, 2019 7:49:00 AMTwitter for Android
@ky9 Beeb will have to listen to 311 instead. Should arrive later today!
In reply to @ky9's tweet
Monday, March 11, 2019 6:41:10 AMTwitter for Android
It is impossible to make the @Microsoft @surface Book sleep. If you breathe on the damn thing wrong, it wakes up again. Sleep mode never works. What a waste of energy. Have to power it off and just deal with a cold boot every time. Friday, March 08, 2019 2:13:00 AMTwitter for Android
An old white politician who actually is making some sense! Rare. https://t.co/4bth07eUaH Thursday, March 07, 2019 12:50:59 AMTwitter for Android
👍👍👍

https://t.co/gCfalKSlP3 		Tuesday, March 05, 2019 3:24:16 AMTwitter for Android
@jimmatherly Y U HATE THE GAYS? JESUS SAYS LOVE THY NEIGHBOR. Friday, March 01, 2019 8:38:31 PMTwitter for Android
I'm going to give @Ask_Spectrum a backhanded compliment, because no one tweets at them when things are good. Service has been fantastic lately. 117/14 consistently. For $65.99/month, it better be be perfect. Wednesday, February 27, 2019 1:58:35 AMTwitter for Android
Heartrate* I can spell
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Monday, February 25, 2019 5:02:34 PMTwitter for Android
Fitbit stopped tracking my heatbrate yesterday. Guess I died. https://t.co/68SxdIP9ux Monday, February 25, 2019 4:25:27 PMTwitter for Android
@realDonaldTrump Remove the tariffs you stupid asshole. All the shit I bought from China on Amazon in August is now $5-15 more per item.
In reply to @realDonaldTrump's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 7:27:01 PMTwitter for Android
While it's true you can't... Err shouldn't... create money out of thin air, we need some fresher representation... Old stuck ups set in their ways have gotta go... https://t.co/xevR5LWa9E Sunday, February 24, 2019 1:39:32 AMTwitter for Android
So how many of these cops were under cover getting rub and tugs to "investigate" these massage places and do a sting operation?

https://t.co/QUH6RyoC9r 		Sunday, February 24, 2019 1:10:06 AMTwitter for Android
There's an Alexa, Google Home and my TV remote has a mic that you allegedly activate, that reports to Bixby.

These are spies. For the Russians! The government!
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 1:07:06 AMTwitter for Android
They know I do not agree with the establishment and are spying on me.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 1:03:08 AMTwitter for Android
For real though. My battery has been dying super quickly recently. They're lying to you that batteries degrade over time. Real reason it's dying quickly is because the mic is active 100% of the time and it's doing AI to profile us and show targeted ads.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:54:11 AMTwitter for Android
The man is listening
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:51:40 AMTwitter for Android
Actually, I PROMISE I never searched for this thing ever... So why am I getting ads on it? Where's my tin foil hat? BRB, I'm quitting all technology and living off the grid in the middle of nowhere, New Hampshire.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:51:05 AMTwitter for Android
This should he illegal! Punishable by death! This is SO creepy. I never even heard of this ad network. How the hell did they do that? For serious?
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:48:08 AMTwitter for Android
Cue the conspiracy theories! 100000% spying going on. Dark magic. What's the over/under they are recording my mic and doing AI on the fly. There's no other way I can be having a human conversation, with my phone present and then seeing ads based on my conversation!
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:47:06 AMTwitter for Android
Mantis Ad Network wtf... I was talking about an obscure topic in the car... Didn't search it online... And I'm seeing ads for it on websites now. Wtffff Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:42:59 AMTwitter for Android
This is an example of an old white ignoramus fuck who needs to leave politics. Can't have his hatred around anymore
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:17:57 AMTwitter for Android
This guy is so full of shit. Translation: "I don't like the gays. Oh shit my daughter called me out. Oops it was a mistake! I love the gays. Jeebus told me to love thy neighbor"

https://t.co/dNgiz6TDR7 		Sunday, February 24, 2019 12:17:01 AMTwitter for Android
You're a bunch of morons @EPA @realDonaldTrump https://t.co/juHMaFhTJE Monday, February 18, 2019 2:03:47 PMTwitter for Android
Disgusting https://t.co/sKWcESRqVU Monday, February 18, 2019 2:01:56 PMTwitter for Android
My dad was at one of these MSG shows in '77. What a time to be alive!

https://t.co/KGmoK0jQQt 		Monday, February 11, 2019 1:50:34 AMTwitter for Android
The @epa is a dumpster fire organization. Seriously, fuck off. You're supposed to protect us from things that make us sick, idiots.

https://t.co/6cQ8Tnp48y 		Friday, February 08, 2019 3:34:58 AMTwitter for Android
Honestly don't even care if this subsidy exists or not because it doesn't affect me but FUCK Ajit Pai. I hope he never gets what he wants because he's a jagoff fuckface
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Monday, February 04, 2019 6:54:46 PMTwitter for Android
Eat a dick, @AjitPaiFCC!!!

https://t.co/adezsamqkR 		Monday, February 04, 2019 6:51:26 PMTwitter for Android
Sounds like stellar parenting advice https://t.co/oomCfDe3am Sunday, February 03, 2019 10:55:44 PMTwitter for Android
Get a load of this hick assed motherfucker. This is a professor at an institution if higher learning? GET LAWST. What an ignoramus. Should have let the south secede... https://t.co/pRCHgh0uyI Sunday, February 03, 2019 12:41:22 PMTwitter for Android
Shocking. I assumed Trump and Fox News were racists who defended this kind of behavior. Bet he wouldn't have given a shit if the VA governor wasnt a Democrat tho

https://t.co/2IX9EOnDdy 		Sunday, February 03, 2019 2:26:44 AMTwitter for Android
Lololololololololol @NYCTSubway

https://t.co/A1dAF3LvmV 		Thursday, January 31, 2019 1:52:42 AMTwitter for Android