612 tweets posted from BlueSky
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Anyone wanna buy me two Solix S2000s? I could use a 24/7 UPS on my main fridge and my basement freezer/sump pump

This is the shit I'd splurge on if money were no object

https://www.ankersolix.com/products/s2000-portable-power-station? 		Tuesday, June 30, 2026 5:50:07 PMBlueSky
This makes me feel a little better. I thought I was bad when I pissed in a cup that time I was front row at an Everclear concert. Didn't want to lose my spot to take a leak, so I peed in my empty.

But pooping in the middle of a concert? Ew. This is Philly af, so I'm not surprised [[ Image ]] 		Tuesday, June 30, 2026 12:40:36 AMBlueSky
Imagine naming a kid Herbert today? That'd be cruel. Monday, June 29, 2026 8:29:12 PMBlueSky
Is this gd maintenance window over yet? I want to go stuff my fave at sheetz Sunday, June 28, 2026 3:46:43 AMBlueSky
In the United States, more people have been arrested for touching peeling paint than for Epstein-related crimes Wednesday, June 24, 2026 8:46:28 AMBlueSky
I hate this shit. I hate it. I'm in hell every fucking day this happens
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Tuesday, June 23, 2026 8:22:26 PMBlueSky
I'm at my wits end with my defective fucking brain and if I lose a mother fucking thing one more time I'm gonna snap. Because I have no fucking idea where my good sunglasses are when I wore them this morning and didn't go anywhere else. Nowhere to be found in the house. Case with air tag on my desk Tuesday, June 23, 2026 8:21:59 PMBlueSky
TIL. Butch Vig is in Garbage
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Tuesday, June 23, 2026 3:02:29 PMBlueSky
This is dope. You don't see billionaire jerkoff Taylor Swift putting on an all pro-women benefit concert. I'm team Olivia ASF

I hear Chappell Roan is a bit of a cya next Tuesday though, as in rude to fans, but w/e, her music slaps and she's fierce. [[ Image ]] 		Tuesday, June 23, 2026 3:01:13 PMBlueSky
It doesn't matter where you're from, but this shit has to be cultural. It's probably normal to do that shit over there, but comes off crass here.

I took a Global Management course in college about learning social norms when working with other cultures so people don't inadvertently think you're rude
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Tuesday, June 23, 2026 9:58:01 AMBlueSky
I mean no disrespect and this is not coming from a place of racism. How come my coworkers in India think it's okay to just demand my time on a call on the fly, with zero context? They ALL do it.

I don't want to fucking talk to you unless you provide context of what we're meeting about beforehand. 		Tuesday, June 23, 2026 9:55:16 AMBlueSky
I have a bone to pick with David Chase. In what universe would a guido/mobster Italian-American family from New Jersey name their first born daughter Meadow. Would never happen.

Gianna, Angela, Francesca, Nina, Gina, Loretta, Teresa, Loretta, Marie... It would have been one of those. 		Monday, June 22, 2026 9:46:56 PMBlueSky
*butts
*in a
*carry

The combination of how bad the Pixel keyboard is, with wet sandy fingers is out of control. Plus, I'm already prone to typos
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Monday, June 22, 2026 1:46:21 PMBlueSky
This guy I work with is so fucking useless. I was out for a week. Been back 4 hours and I already want to leave for another week Monday, June 22, 2026 1:44:50 PMBlueSky
If you leave your cig bitts in a plastic bag and leave it on the beach ina carey-in/ carry-out state park, you're a miserable prick [[ Image ]] Sunday, June 21, 2026 9:17:30 AMBlueSky
Free Palestine Saturday, June 20, 2026 10:11:07 PMBlueSky
Just went into a full blown heat rage. I am not designed for this southern climate and if I don't get various cool off breaks, I hit the breaking point.

Let's be real. You expect me to go out raging when half the fuckin places on this island are outdoors and you're lucky if they have a fan? 		Friday, June 19, 2026 9:11:55 PMBlueSky
Fuck a casino. For real. I will never waste my money.

I'm not even at a casino. At a happy hour where it's half off if you roll a 1-3. I rolled a 4,6,6 and 5. Fuck all the way off with this happy hour, all my shit was full price. If there's a game of chance, I'll fucking lose. Fuck it
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Friday, June 19, 2026 5:20:13 PMBlueSky
You can take games of chance and shove them. I lose ever fucking time. I'm literally the least lucky, worst gambler ever. Like 100% chance I lose 100% of the time. It's not even fun. I can't even get addicted to it because there's no chase. It's all losing Friday, June 19, 2026 5:18:25 PMBlueSky
Update: they beat me
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Friday, June 19, 2026 2:02:36 PMBlueSky
I'm losing at beer pong to a milf and a 7 year old Friday, June 19, 2026 1:34:04 PMBlueSky
I can summon good music at will. Pool DJ is crushing it and I was like "we could go for a little early 2000s hip hop and R&B"

And then Fat Joe came on. Dope 		Friday, June 19, 2026 1:13:10 PMBlueSky
Fucking Key West. It's 3:30am. I'm absolutely schmammered and we just ate a full ass meal. Friday, June 19, 2026 3:29:54 AMBlueSky
Verizon is now RCS spamming customers with ads. This is some shit. I can block this, no? [[ Image ]] Tuesday, June 16, 2026 10:34:23 AMBlueSky
These mfers last night bragged about living in the Truman Annex and then proceeded to only tip the bartender 15%. You live in the Truman Annex. You're loaded. Take care of your servers who are struggling ya pricks Tuesday, June 16, 2026 9:51:20 AMBlueSky
Jfc with my typos. Grunge. Not grune
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Tuesday, June 16, 2026 9:29:20 AMBlueSky
Dog I love the Stone Temple Pilots. Don't give me any of this shit they're not true grune. No kidding. Don't give me shit they're not from Seattle. They're good for what they are. RIP Scott Monday, June 15, 2026 11:52:38 PMBlueSky
The officers responsible for this deserve to be executed by firing squad in the public square. Full automatic. Starting from their legs, upward

https://abc7.com/post/family-dog-shot-killed-lapd-during-knicks-celebration-condo-canoga-park-police-say/19299441/ 		Monday, June 15, 2026 8:29:09 PMBlueSky
They should put how long it takes for me to shart myself on vacation on the prediction markets Monday, June 15, 2026 4:26:54 PMBlueSky
I need editing ability on here because my typos are out of control. Monday, June 15, 2026 3:09:22 PMBlueSky
Seriously how do people live in the tropics. Even with powerful efficient mini splits, it just cannot remove indoor humidity. All the bedsheets and shit are damp Monday, June 15, 2026 1:49:45 AMBlueSky
What kind of absolute moron designed a public restroom with the hand dryer next to the faucet. Shit blew all the water from the sink into my gace Sunday, June 14, 2026 9:54:58 PMBlueSky
If you get to the TSA line and don't have your ID out and boarding pass ready, you're a god damn jerkoff. Because I'm standing here for 10 minutes waiting for this prick to find her ingo Sunday, June 14, 2026 4:33:04 PMBlueSky
This dumbfuck cracked open a rock and drank 2 billion year old water? What's she sick in the head? I wouldn't want to fuck around with microbes that old that never interacted with humans. Bitch is liable to start another pandemic

https://spacedaily.com/t-nearly-three-kilometres-beneath-a-canadian-mine-geologists-found-water-that-may-have-been-isolated-in-the-rock-for-roughly-two-billion-years-older-than-animals-plants-and-almost-everything/ 		Sunday, June 14, 2026 12:16:10 AMBlueSky
Charging laser? [[ Image ]]
In reply to @tracketpacer.com's post
Friday, June 12, 2026 6:25:45 PMBlueSky
But the daughter was named Maggie. They fucked up not naming her Ginny. Come on now. Although Maggie as a name totally gives redhead vibes
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Friday, June 12, 2026 6:21:23 PMBlueSky
Explain how Windows 11 can be such a pile of shit that explorer.exe gets into a bad state where literally the start menu is unresponsive but everything else works Friday, June 12, 2026 6:20:34 PMBlueSky
I'm not even bullshitting you. There's a redhead family by us and they're all named after the Weasleys. There's Fred, George and Charlie Friday, June 12, 2026 5:18:01 PMBlueSky
The fucking motor vehicle office. 20 back in the queue, which went quickly until the number before mine, in which everyone stopped moving and are proceeding to take 20 minutes. The fuck Friday, June 12, 2026 1:32:44 PMBlueSky
Nobody is better than my coworker! Literally nobody. Actually having him replaced with no one would make my life easer Thursday, June 11, 2026 3:33:18 PMBlueSky
How about that Knicks game. JEEEESUS. 29 point comeback Wednesday, June 10, 2026 11:36:25 PMBlueSky
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HEA WITH THIS SHIT. I'm in hell. Literally hell. The fact that it's only early June and have to deal with relentless heat all the way until mid October can fuck all the way off. [[ Image ]] Wednesday, June 10, 2026 4:10:33 PMBlueSky
Me telling our AWS TAM that the search functionality for AWS Bedrock Inference Profiles is pure trash Wednesday, June 10, 2026 10:33:50 AMBlueSky
I hate summer on the grounds that AC is gd expensive to run [[ Image ]] Tuesday, June 09, 2026 3:35:44 PMBlueSky
Spectrum has blessed me with working Internet after their 5 hour outage in the middle of my workday Tuesday, June 09, 2026 2:50:29 PMBlueSky
So I'ma feed my face, get a slushie, go home, toss on a show and have a spot of tea. Yolo
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Monday, June 08, 2026 12:52:51 AMBlueSky
A bunch of shit just pissed me off. Gas cycled up 40 cents before I went to get it and then I opened my door into the God damn pump and chipped the paint.

Trying a new approach. I can't get bent out of shape about this bullshit. 		Monday, June 08, 2026 12:46:38 AMBlueSky
You know how many times I almost called this MFer Luigi instead of Luca? It's not racist if I'm one of his people, right? Sunday, June 07, 2026 10:41:47 PMBlueSky
"I think it's okay to talk about blowjobs when you first meet someone" Saturday, June 06, 2026 11:24:30 PMBlueSky
Ah fuckin a! Luigi is making pasta again. 🤌🤌 Saturday, June 06, 2026 10:28:52 PMBlueSky
1997 was badass Saturday, June 06, 2026 9:23:47 PMBlueSky
God damnit. As a cis married man, this Italian gentleman who is my wife's friend's fiance is a beautiful man. Giving me Luigi vibes. Saturday, June 06, 2026 7:50:30 PMBlueSky
I lost my gd coozie and it was in my pocket Saturday, June 06, 2026 7:33:13 PMBlueSky
Everything this dude Berg is playing is badass music. Saturday, June 06, 2026 6:43:49 PMBlueSky
Idk how I feel about ice cream and tequila tho Saturday, June 06, 2026 12:14:23 AMBlueSky
Sheetz done fucked up. Ain't no way they intend to give me 30 cents off per gallon until July 15th. Heading there RIGHT NOW to clean them out [[ Image ]] Friday, June 05, 2026 2:22:11 AMBlueSky
Jesus Christ on this cross, this fucking guy is dumb as a box of rocks Thursday, June 04, 2026 2:08:42 PMBlueSky
I get random reminders of my tism brain from time to time. For instance, today I went to change the fridge lightbulb and noticed that I had labeled its installation date on the bulb in Sharpie: "10/24/2024 20:56 UTC-4" 🤓 Thursday, June 04, 2026 12:04:06 PMBlueSky
Sublime reincarnating Bradley in the form of his son was not on my 2026 bingo card, but the dude is putting out tracks like it's 1995 Thursday, June 04, 2026 8:30:33 AMBlueSky
He's a level III engineer ffs. Can't even launch a simple project
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Wednesday, June 03, 2026 12:25:57 AMBlueSky
The audacity of this prick... Not only did I rewrite his shitty code and fix his absolute tomfoolery and chaos he created, but I gave him a detailed list on how to implement it and close the project.

I already rewrote his gd code. Least he can do is follow my instructions to migrate it.
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Wednesday, June 03, 2026 12:25:08 AMBlueSky
This bitch ass trick I work with has gotta be fucking with me... After completely botching the codebase for a project assigned to him, I swooped in and rescued it, and gave him clear instructions on how to deploy it. Dude still wants me to hold his dick and do it with him. Wednesday, June 03, 2026 12:22:25 AMBlueSky
I mean, if they want to pay me to sit here while I do nothing because I'm blocked by the fact that no one ever looks at my PRs when I ask, that's coo also Tuesday, June 02, 2026 12:55:48 PMBlueSky
I swear they're doing this shit on purpose
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Tuesday, June 02, 2026 3:07:48 AMBlueSky
Idk how I've been on this planet almost 40 years and just realized Vanilla Ice is a white dude. I mean jfc, he's got vanilla in his stage name Tuesday, June 02, 2026 1:31:02 AMBlueSky
Another night, another Spectrum outage Tuesday, June 02, 2026 12:58:26 AMBlueSky
The terminal bell is a menace and a relic from the 1960s when teletypes had physical bells in them because there were no screens. The fact this is still a thing in the year of our lord 2026 is bananas. Every time I ssh into anything, the gd bell rings constantly and needs to shut its whore mouth [[ Image ]] Monday, June 01, 2026 11:46:33 PMBlueSky
Turns out I could have handled this whole thing with three Slack messages. By no means did this have to be a call
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Monday, June 01, 2026 10:05:40 PMBlueSky
I woke up and saw Occidental Petroleum up 5% and my first thought was "What kind of stupid shit did Trump do in Iran now?" Monday, June 01, 2026 2:49:42 PMBlueSky
Nothing makes me rage more on a Monday morning when first thing I get in, some prick asks me to get on a call without any context of the issue. Fuckssake Get the fuck outta here [[ Image ]] Monday, June 01, 2026 9:47:58 AMBlueSky
Don't ever get fucking guinea pigs. They're filthy bastards. Cleaning their cage every week is such a waste of my fucking time. I can't believe i had to do this shit in 2015 and then they went out and got two more mfers when the first ones died. I'ma be cleaning this shit for eternity. Thursday, May 28, 2026 9:27:39 PMBlueSky
Their credit for 4 full days of outages was $8 🙄
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Thursday, May 28, 2026 9:22:04 PMBlueSky
You know what drives me nuts? When you give an acquaintance the quickest hug bye and they have so much gd perfume on you smell like hooker for the rest of the day Thursday, May 28, 2026 7:57:47 PMBlueSky
This is straight up bananas. We're living in a real life South Park episode. IDK what is even real anymore. Fuck it. No one should be taking anything seriously. Fr. Everything's gd absurd [[ Image ]] Thursday, May 28, 2026 5:43:18 AMBlueSky
Although I will say, I left my Verizon iPhone hotspot attached to my Asus router in dual-WAN failover mode, and it failed over without intervention. Didn't even notice Spectrum went down at first

Love when things work as intended
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Thursday, May 28, 2026 4:49:32 AMBlueSky
Spectrum will be giving me a decent credit considering this is the 4th time they've taken my service offline overnight for "emergency maintenance"

I'm not paying for this shit not to work when I use it actively at all hours of the night, especially when Frontier Fiber exists 		Thursday, May 28, 2026 4:47:28 AMBlueSky
Little bit of rain over here and you think every jerkoff has forgotten how to drive Sunday, May 24, 2026 7:07:22 PMBlueSky
Btw, I totally stole "dick area" from the Biebs back in 2017. Refer to this since-deleted tweet: [[ Image ]]
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Sunday, May 24, 2026 5:11:53 PMBlueSky
Even though I'm pre-check, they still made me do the full body scanner, which flagged my dick area for extra checking.

Dog, I don't have anything back there except DEEZ
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Thursday, May 21, 2026 10:06:40 PMBlueSky
I got randomly selected twice in the same day in two different airports for "extended screening"

I must seem sketchy. It's not the beard or olive skin or anything. Definitely not that. 		Thursday, May 21, 2026 10:04:10 PMBlueSky
I'm at an airport restaurant in Texas and does the south always run this slow? Hostess came by 5 times to tell me Diane would help. Diane's been by thrice and hasn't batted an eye Thursday, May 21, 2026 5:04:40 PMBlueSky
OH HELLL NO. Crash this plane into the middle of the Atlantic. Get them the fuck out of here. Keep that ebola shit in Africa where it belongs

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/detroit-bound-flight-diverted-canada-passenger-congo-error-ebola-rcna346245 		Thursday, May 21, 2026 1:57:23 AMBlueSky
Mexican TV channels and there was just a tourism ad for California. Ain't no one wants to visit the shithole United States, let's be real Thursday, May 21, 2026 12:39:22 AMBlueSky
El abuso en el consumo de este producto es nocivo para la salud Thursday, May 21, 2026 12:10:07 AMBlueSky
My Jamaican dude asked the India team if they smoke weed and their reaction was laugh out loud funny Wednesday, May 20, 2026 11:59:22 PMBlueSky
Pugliese is a mother fuckin gangster Wednesday, May 20, 2026 10:56:02 PMBlueSky
The trees always speak to me [[ Image ]][[ Image ]][[ Image ]] Wednesday, May 20, 2026 6:42:49 PMBlueSky
My neck hurts Wednesday, May 20, 2026 4:30:34 AMBlueSky
Literally every time. I clogged the toilet in the hospital room the night my kid was born
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Wednesday, May 20, 2026 3:02:10 AMBlueSky
Me on the phone with the front desk: "Tienes un destapador? Se tapó el baño."
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Wednesday, May 20, 2026 3:01:43 AMBlueSky
It's 55 degrees and the India team is freezing their asses off Wednesday, May 20, 2026 2:08:36 AMBlueSky
No trip would be complete without me clogging a toilet. Wednesday, May 20, 2026 1:39:42 AMBlueSky
Anytime I go to any event, be it theater or sports, I always get some tall motherfucker blocking the way. Look at this guy's fucking dome [[ Image ]] Tuesday, May 19, 2026 10:34:31 PMBlueSky
Watching a group of 15 Indians in Mexico trying to order food with the language barrier was a very painful experience. And I was somehow the translator for the group. Tuesday, May 19, 2026 12:47:25 AMBlueSky
There are so many street taco stands and I want them all. Quienes toman USD. Quisiera una torta Monday, May 18, 2026 3:56:27 PMBlueSky
I have the tism gene where I can't recognize faces for dick. The second I walked out of customs, I ran into people from work calling my name and I was like "o hai never seen you before in my life" Monday, May 18, 2026 2:58:05 PMBlueSky
About to fly on a Max 8. Here's to it not falling apart mid air! Monday, May 18, 2026 8:57:55 AMBlueSky
Tool really knows how to tick around in the head. It's a whole ass journey Monday, May 18, 2026 8:12:31 AMBlueSky
It's too gd hot in this airport Monday, May 18, 2026 5:53:29 AMBlueSky
In the winter, you set the heat to 65, throw on a sweatshirt, hop on the couch with a fuzzy blanket throw, cup of hot tea. And it's cozy af. You can't have these things with this jungle ass humid 8 months of summer
In reply to @portfolioso.com's post
Sunday, May 17, 2026 11:38:54 AMBlueSky