Portfolioso's Twitter Bullshit



1683 results for ass


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Tweet Date Source
Front desk just called us on a noise complaint because we dragged a body on a futon from one room to another. That body was Bob passed out Sunday, August 13, 2017 3:22:14 AMTwitter for Android
I've never really done coke but I've got a guy passed out rn who said he's been on a 3 week coke bender. Liar. Get the fuck awake dude. Saturday, August 12, 2017 1:31:02 AMTwitter for Android
Goddamn it. It's 1:30 am and people are passed out already. It's a bachelor party. Stop being a buncha fuckin pussies Saturday, August 12, 2017 1:29:50 AMTwitter for Android
I'm already assigned as a driver at this bachelor party because half the guys have their licenses suspended. #degenerates Friday, August 11, 2017 10:57:33 AMTwitter for Android
These $2 Miller lites taste like asshole. Bad batch. I'm sticking to hot dogs Friday, August 04, 2017 5:53:57 PMTwitter for Android
Hey @Ticketmaster, eat a dick. How are you charging $11.15 in fees for ONE $37.50 ticket? ~30% of the original ticket price is added fees! https://t.co/wOV1stLdOY Monday, July 31, 2017 12:43:49 PMTwitter Web Client
Out at a show and wifey's all like "You're grabbing my ass a lot tonight"

No kidding. You want me to grab other girls' asses? 		Sunday, July 23, 2017 12:18:07 AMTwitter for Android
What will happen first? @MotorolaUS suck it, I'm getting a pixel next. Way to keep your shit updated assholes Sunday, July 16, 2017 2:17:48 AMTwitter for Android
Interestingā€‹ position of this rivet. This cartoon assed girl is blasting some nips https://t.co/VV3vQaMoYp Saturday, July 15, 2017 4:46:31 PMTwitter for Android
Saturdays are for Lessard. But they're all passed out so we'll try this again at 9vtimirrow Saturday, July 15, 2017 1:01:27 AMTwitter for Android
Get the actual fuck outta here. I'm gonna spend 800k for a shitty antique house on a small lot, only to rebuild it? This area stinks https://t.co/5MLkBFXmBj Wednesday, July 12, 2017 6:31:56 PMTwitter for Android
This entire government administration is a motherfuckin joke shop embarrassment to the world Tuesday, July 11, 2017 3:18:14 PMTwitter Web Client
@RMerlinDev You ever see SSH and httpd hang on the 87u? I can't SSH or use the WebUI unless I power cycle. Happened to me in older versions https://t.co/G5oiUeAwqk Tuesday, June 27, 2017 10:38:51 PMTwitter Web Client
Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test Test https://t.co/l10x3fEfet Saturday, June 24, 2017 1:45:56 AMTwitter Web Client
Trying this again. Apparently, it's as simple as adding tweet_mode=extended to the statuses/show.json endpoint. test test la la la la la la https://t.co/sQp8NEJjan Saturday, June 24, 2017 1:23:52 AMTwitter Web Client
This is a test of a very long tweet (near 140 characters) and a photo. Testing my twitter app, which can't handle new features they added.. https://t.co/p1JhxS8t8w Saturday, June 24, 2017 12:55:54 AMTwitter Web Client
This judgy wudgy idiot probably likes the D himself. Be more Christian asshole and be nice to everyone. https://t.co/26YNzX125f Saturday, June 24, 2017 12:38:01 AMTwitter for Android
How about @getspectrum making a big deal about updating my modem firmware... From a 2/2016 to 7/2016 build. It's still 11 months old, dudes https://t.co/Vsy2OHyREi Friday, June 23, 2017 1:08:13 AMTwitter Web Client
Slack really needs to stop being an asshole and randomly ending up 5 miles off my screen with no way for me to get it back. Wednesday, June 21, 2017 10:12:51 AMTwitter Web Client
I need a butler to food-block me. Just because I can order anything anytime doesn't mean my fat ass should eat a burger at 3am. Sunday, June 04, 2017 8:52:16 AMTwitter for Android
Dan? Mothafuckin G. Danny? Passed out on the couch. Saturday, May 27, 2017 2:39:18 AMTwitter for Android
@__JLu Hate that too. If I'm almost going 90 in the left lane and someone's up my ass, by all means, I'd rather them pass and get the ticket
In reply to @__JLu's tweet
Tuesday, May 23, 2017 12:41:22 PMTwitter Web Client
Attention assholes in left lane: If I'm tailgating you, move over - you're too slow. Monday, May 22, 2017 6:22:29 PMTwitter for Android
Breaking news! Trump's a dumbass! Everyone sell your stock. https://t.co/HKoWJSbCtT Wednesday, May 17, 2017 4:43:18 PMTwitter Web Client
Yo @Qualcomm... Why can't you fuckers make your yearly flagship chip better than last years Apple's processor? This is why Androids all suck https://t.co/UuFEwGYBkI Saturday, May 13, 2017 2:16:32 AMTwitter for Android
How about CNN stealing ideas off my old tweets about old millennials not knowing how to use Snapchat? https://t.co/67kzn0Als5 #oldmillennial https://t.co/wdpaMcDmB8 Tuesday, May 09, 2017 10:08:47 AMTwitter Web Client
Hey assholes over at @Azure This is a valid cron expression, eat a dick https://t.co/ehisXZXrjf Friday, May 05, 2017 10:31:32 AMTwitter Web Client
Happy Friday to ya from a guy who has no idea where he is - Joe Cocker's keyboard dude live at the Fillmore East in 1970. https://t.co/Bu6rhFLfgI Friday, May 05, 2017 9:58:09 AMTwitter Web Client
Hey assholes at Motorola. Still don't have Nougat on my Pure Edition you fuckin slows. And I'm rocking 12/2016 security patches. Real secure Wednesday, May 03, 2017 6:04:48 PMTwitter Web Client
I told an @AmericanAir pilot at departures that LaGuardia was a fuckin shithole for canceling my flight and he almost called security on me. https://t.co/X41uzc6FZ9 Saturday, April 22, 2017 4:11:41 AMTwitter for Android
This cocksucker had the gall to tell me that he waited 2 hours for a pickup and my ride wasn't long enough for him and take a yellow cab https://t.co/xMNslkC2sW Friday, April 21, 2017 9:33:58 PMTwitter for Android
I sincerely hope this nerdy assed guy Travis homewrecks the new product girl. Thursday, April 20, 2017 8:16:33 PMTwitter for Android
Let's hear it for Newww York. Concrete jungle where there's fuckin garbage all ooooverrrr. There's nothing you can't dooo https://t.co/tIZ014wglw Wednesday, April 19, 2017 11:21:49 PMTwitter for Android
See. There's a legitimate problem... I feel bad for the next generation. They won't understand these 90s jams. Must pass em on you guys. Wednesday, April 19, 2017 12:23:42 AMTwitter for Android
You're an asshole if you stand in a group circle talking / blocking the narrowest part of Grand Central in the middle of rush hour Monday, April 17, 2017 9:04:45 AMTwitter for Android
Everything is unacceptable. Product people are assholes because if they actually used their own product, they'd notice their shitty UX Monday, April 17, 2017 2:00:43 AMTwitter for Android
And fuck you Motorola for not pushing Nougat yet. Keep me on this antique assed os. Monday, April 17, 2017 1:45:09 AMTwitter for Android
Jesus H. Christ, @LinkedIn. What dumb asshole decided it was a good idea to send an InMail message with enter by default? https://t.co/yzqnFYhGIx Monday, April 10, 2017 5:50:56 PMTwitter Web Client
Client is setting me up an account with their host. When you call support, they ask a security question. Making all of them uncomfortable https://t.co/cfyli8vN2x Monday, March 27, 2017 4:52:07 PMTwitter Web Client
See, would've gotten fomo if I passed out. Instead, got fomo cause everyone else passed out and I was still awake Sunday, March 26, 2017 4:54:27 AMTwitter for Android
I passed out 0 times during g this shindig and yacked 0 times. The most proud of myself. Sunday, March 26, 2017 2:42:06 AMTwitter for Android
Travesty! Alert the authorities! Dafuq does Freddy's Costco in Queens sell sausage and pepper at the food court but mine doesn't. https://t.co/hd1FoxFy62 Friday, March 24, 2017 2:57:38 PMTwitter for Android
You have Siri, Alexa, Google Assistant and to a lesser extent, Cortana, all with huge user bases. Don't need another shitty one in the mix https://t.co/hXTJLCb45M Monday, March 20, 2017 2:16:23 PMTwitter Web Client
Fucking hate Samsung... Why can't they just implement Google Assistant? Ruining the stock Android experience
https://t.co/d3v9wdjJ5x 		Monday, March 20, 2017 2:14:16 PMTwitter Web Client
My advice to a bitch ass client this fine AM https://t.co/tNTrI9Hlq6 Monday, March 20, 2017 9:35:44 AMTwitter Web Client
There's starving people in Africa and my drunk ass just dumped 1/2 lb of pasta down the fuckin drain. Saturday, March 18, 2017 3:25:07 AMTwitter for Android
I just dumped a half fuckin pound if pasta down my garbage disposal. Bitch ass trick. Now I have to cook it all over again Saturday, March 18, 2017 3:22:42 AMTwitter for Android
My password. Hack me. https://t.co/2ufJ2SHdJp Saturday, March 18, 2017 2:22:03 AMTwitter for Android
#AbusersList throwback from '08. They're so damn dramatic, relax guys. Came back from class one day to this: https://t.co/OeLdF5ZXpC Wednesday, March 08, 2017 1:00:14 PMTwitter Web Client
I legit tried to put eye drops in without taking my glasses off. Couldn't figure out why it wasn't working for a couple seconds Tuesday, March 07, 2017 12:09:56 AMTwitter for Android
Yo @Corning blow me. Gorilla Glass works real well. #cunts https://t.co/bj42eLXah3 Sunday, March 05, 2017 9:35:07 PMTwitter for Android
Windows 10 sucks a cock because of its slow assed key repeat rate. Drives me up the wall. https://t.co/x9YGcZNFC1 Thursday, March 02, 2017 10:11:29 AMTwitter Web Client
When one of the fly assed devs sends you mah-ninja.jpg ā¤ https://t.co/SpnfyvPDFf Friday, February 24, 2017 12:56:56 PMTwitter Web Client
Dope ass jams. Nice mix. Thx Googs https://t.co/xdLFd4lUjW Thursday, February 09, 2017 3:35:29 AMTwitter for Android
The only way Goodell doesn't kill himself from all the massholes hating on him is if he's as delusional as Trump is #eveyonewhodisagreeslies Tuesday, February 07, 2017 2:18:59 PMTwitter Web Client
šŸŽµif I could falllll into the sky. Would you think time would pass. Me by. Cause you know if walk a thousand miles if I could just. See. YoušŸŽµ Sunday, January 29, 2017 4:21:27 AMTwitter for Android
So gassy rn and am about to get in a limo with like 15 peeps. This might be an issue Saturday, January 28, 2017 6:46:22 PMTwitter for Android
This is useless to me if I cannot import it to Excel. When I copy paste, it cannot determine columns. Thanks a lot @BankofAmerica https://t.co/voWyGcaQCb Thursday, January 26, 2017 4:26:20 PMTwitter Web Client
Faux News... Because Trump himself is fully responsible for the stock market's performance in his first 5 days.

#herpderp https://t.co/klve34hdPj 		Wednesday, January 25, 2017 11:56:35 AMTwitter Web Client
Psych 101: It's easier for me to say no via chat than in person. It's common sense. Of course I'm a nice guy so this is a non issue anyway https://t.co/YI0k4EoNll Monday, January 23, 2017 12:43:16 PMTwitter Web Client
I'm in the office. Dude walks past my desk but doesn't stop by to chat. Then slacks me to trade conference rooms. What a pussy assed bitch Monday, January 23, 2017 12:36:55 PMTwitter Web Client
Hood ass LaGuardia airport can't even get a jet bridge. Walking down stairs to get off this plane #shithole Friday, January 20, 2017 3:50:20 PMTwitter for Android
"Plane crashes due to passenger who refused to put his phone in airplane mode" -No headline ever Tuesday, December 27, 2016 10:45:00 AMTwitter for Android
I almost tagged Mal's ass as "boom boom" on Facebook but good thing I stopped myself because her mom posted the photo #nicesave Saturday, December 24, 2016 12:29:09 AMTwitter Web Client
Yo @reddit you fucking cocksucker. Spent 2 hours writing a post and no one told me checking this box would reload the page & lose everything https://t.co/yvoVrEp0J6 Monday, December 19, 2016 11:24:44 AMTwitter Web Client
Gotta go to a dinner theater show tomorrow with the fam at like 11am after drinking my ass off so pls donate drugs kthx Saturday, December 17, 2016 9:31:23 PMTwitter for Android
What kind of moronic @NYCTSubway assholes decided to close an escalator at the GCT 4/5 during rush hour? Total clusterfuck #thefuckingsubway Thursday, December 15, 2016 6:42:17 PMTwitter for Android
Also, I didn't just break a glass at the bar amirite Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:11:55 AMTwitter for Android
Just broke a glass at the bar. Swear to God that never happens Tuesday, December 13, 2016 12:07:44 AMTwitter for Android
Now everything is perfect again. Fuck IT policy. Only assholes get viruses. https://t.co/uIHnfdeSiL Monday, December 12, 2016 4:30:14 PMTwitter Web Client
@timehop should fix the UI in the Android app when there's no network but the carrier still reports 4G. Looks absolutely vile. Be better https://t.co/Hkc7ZXFZQK Monday, December 12, 2016 8:24:16 AMTwitter for Android
Second time this charger wore out. I just replaced it a few months ago and am gentle with it. Someone send me a Pixel, cunts. USB-C ftw https://t.co/rRlGyOSp1Y Sunday, December 11, 2016 1:57:14 AMTwitter for Android
NY airports are infuriating. Get a load of this jaggoff guard who checks your luggage claim ticket. Idk where I put my claim ticket. https://t.co/Qfhyh8CQt1 Saturday, December 10, 2016 3:14:56 PMTwitter for Android
Here's Trump's shitty assed golf course he built on a landfill in the Bronx https://t.co/6xjQopUnwa Saturday, December 10, 2016 2:58:44 PMTwitter for Android
Also, it's 2016. Who the f still uses ColdFusion? Last I saw that in use was Eidos in DSB built by an antique professor. https://t.co/JBqixw52dD Wednesday, December 07, 2016 1:32:24 PMTwitter for Android
It's 2016. If you still use a SOAP API, you're an asshole. Fuckin shit is so clunky and repetitive it's not even funny Tuesday, November 08, 2016 4:50:19 PMTwitter Web Client
How do you wipe your ass when you poop? Monday, October 31, 2016 1:04:07 PMTwitter Web Client
Luna keeps pointing her farts at my face. Probably karma for my gassy ass ways https://t.co/ORub6OBHNx Tuesday, October 25, 2016 11:26:07 PMTwitter for Android
1:56 is the last train home? What a pussy assed early time. Suck it @MetroNorth Saturday, October 15, 2016 1:31:33 AMTwitter for Android
Down in the lower east struttin dat ass Tuesday, October 11, 2016 9:47:26 PMTwitter for Android
I'm a masshole this weekend Friday, October 07, 2016 7:11:52 PMTwitter for Android
While I'm up in Mass, gotta quote The Departed: "I'm nawt a fucking cawp" Friday, October 07, 2016 5:13:23 PMTwitter for Android
Such a strange incorrect password message. ESL on the developer who wrote that one much? #abuserslist https://t.co/chYBCm7iMT Thursday, September 29, 2016 11:54:53 AMTwitter Web Client
@RMerlinDev Any way to only allow https from WAN and not http? Radio button is all or nothing. I don't mind http via LAN, but not WAN https://t.co/G8LDKW6ugp Thursday, September 22, 2016 11:38:04 PMTwitter Web Client
Plus, they're absolutely blasting some shit news channel and I don't want to hear asshole Clinton and asshole Trump Saturday, September 17, 2016 2:47:05 PMTwitter for Android
@BankofAmerica Your SafePass codes are broken and not being texted to me Wednesday, August 31, 2016 8:51:01 PMTwitter Web Client
I don't even have proper glassed because I'm moving out, so I'll just drink out of the bottle. #klassy Thursday, August 25, 2016 9:38:58 AMTwitter for Android
@_Frankalank Nassau Bar in lower Manhattan
In reply to @_Frankalank's tweet
Wednesday, August 17, 2016 9:23:07 PMTwitter for Android
@_Frankalank I cannot. You can literally floss her asshole
In reply to @_Frankalank's tweet
Wednesday, August 17, 2016 9:11:57 PMTwitter for Android
Whoever is eating the M&Ms toppers from the YoCrunch yogurts in our work fridge is an asshole. Savage move. Go buy your own fuckin M&Ms Wednesday, August 17, 2016 1:50:29 PMTwitter Web Client
Smells like mildewed, crusty, sweaty homeless asshole on this train Monday, August 15, 2016 7:14:33 PMTwitter for Android
This place. Got a sql job failing and waking up a DBA every night b/c some asshole's name in the system is 'Michaelā™Ŗ' instead of 'Michael' Monday, July 18, 2016 10:45:11 AMTwitter Web Client
(Whatā€™s your name?)
T-Good
(What you do?)
Iā€™m a plumber
(How you do it?)
I lay the pipe for that ass and make her dance
(True) 		Sunday, July 17, 2016 6:44:42 PMTwitter for Android
New blog post: If You Get a Rare Bacterial Infection Because You Decided to Get Surgery in the DR, You're an Asshole https://t.co/1fS5VHafid Thursday, July 14, 2016 6:12:54 PMPortfolioso.com Blog
@RockNationRadio nice ass guy in the blue shirt
In reply to @RockNationRadio's tweet
Monday, July 11, 2016 7:14:30 PMTwitter for Android
I intend on eating nothing but broccoli rabe for days. It's for my health since I ate like a fat ass glutton all week Tuesday, July 05, 2016 8:39:24 PMTwitter for Android
Mal's being all mad at me for dissing iPhones but guess who was able to connect to the wifi? My android ass. Not her iPhone. Saturday, July 02, 2016 1:34:23 PMTwitter for Android
Pretty sure I'm stalking this guy. HOOKS us up with drinks. I go to whatever bat he's assigned to. Thursday, June 30, 2016 9:25:02 PMTwitter for Android
@scoopandslam Yankee Stadium is desolate and designed for rich corporate assholes. Sucks that everyone I talk to says Citifield's better.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Tuesday, June 28, 2016 10:34:09 PMTwitter for Android
@CitiField bring me sausage and peppers assholes Wednesday, June 15, 2016 9:49:18 PMTwitter for Android
I've got no business wearing sunglasses anymore but fuck it Friday, June 10, 2016 8:38:56 PMTwitter for Android
This is gonna sound absolutely absurd, but I can explain. I think I left my sunglasses in the work fridge yesterday...šŸ˜Ž Wednesday, May 25, 2016 8:41:57 AMTwitter for Android
I'm a disgusting asshole and I can't even tweet it it was so gross Saturday, May 14, 2016 1:32:42 AMTwitter for Android
I'm a negative asshole that no one likes! Tuesday, May 03, 2016 9:13:06 PMTwitter for Android
We've let two "express" trains pass us on the local track. I'm sure the guy running this train has his thumb in his ass #TheFuckingSubway Thursday, April 28, 2016 11:07:40 PMTwitter for Android
The firewalls are overloaded, a CPU failed in our SQL cluster, we're doing a half assed rollout Monday night and I'm on call #fuckmylife Sunday, April 24, 2016 8:11:56 AMTwitter Web Client
These crackers just SQL injection shut down my SQL server #assholes #parameterize Wednesday, April 20, 2016 2:53:41 PMTwitter for Android
Some Technotronic came on my Google Music on this early assed train ride and now it's like like the clurb up in this bitch Monday, April 18, 2016 5:46:22 AMTwitter for Android
Trains always show up back to back to back... In the other direction. Meanwhile, I've been here like an asshole forever. #thefuckingsubway Friday, April 15, 2016 9:45:52 PMTwitter for Android
Love how the entire subway bench is open and this kid decides to sit right on top of my asshole #thefuckingsubway Friday, April 15, 2016 9:32:55 PMTwitter for Android
@scoopandslam LGA and JFK are the most third world assed airports I've ever been to
In reply to @scoopandslam's tweet
Thursday, April 14, 2016 7:35:08 PMTwitter for Android
Just told our security analyst that if she saw any alerts for a production linux server, it was me trying to guess the root password Tuesday, March 29, 2016 10:40:30 AMTwitter Web Client
Designers of high quality passenger safety briefing cards
and safety information placards. https://t.co/Dq4CVpun9x 		Monday, March 28, 2016 8:09:25 PMTwitter for Android
This bag of vino's going down reallll smooth you guys. #Klassy Saturday, March 26, 2016 12:07:36 AMTwitter Web Client
What kind of savage asshole would bring pizza into the conference room next to my desk while I'm on day 3/3 of my juice cleanse? Wednesday, March 16, 2016 12:10:29 PMTwitter Web Client
If you're a VP at a tech company, get your account compromised and send the entire company phishing emails, you're an asshole Friday, March 11, 2016 10:36:22 AMTwitter Web Client
If you buy an Android phone from a carrier, you're an asshole. Only buy an unlocked phone with no bloatware! https://t.co/PdpY3ATRUM Thursday, March 10, 2016 4:14:55 PMTwitter Web Client
There would be a touristy group of Asians fingering the Wall St Bull's asshole. #typical Monday, March 07, 2016 12:01:58 PMTwitter for Android
It smells like asshole in here. #thefuckingsubway Sunday, March 06, 2016 1:39:03 PMTwitter for Android
At @YandTRocks with @RockNationRadio. Ain't no one playing guitar like these crackers anymore. So badass And I'm not even an 80s metal head Friday, March 04, 2016 9:01:34 PMTwitter for Android
@RMerlinDev Awesome. I'm assuming they're targeting their latest models. Any love for the RT68?
In reply to @RMerlinDev's tweet
Friday, February 26, 2016 5:56:57 PMTwitter for Android
Someone's gotta clean their shitty asshole on this R train. Wednesday, February 24, 2016 6:32:23 PMTwitter for Android
@NYCTSubway why no Manh bound R trains at 46th st in Queens? 2 Ms in a row and like 5 trains queensbound passed. Friday, February 12, 2016 9:31:36 AMTwitter for Android
What kind of asshole product people does @google have working on their Contacts preview in Gmail... Shit is weak. Half my groups are missing Tuesday, February 02, 2016 5:48:06 PMTwitter Web Client
Any dev writing software who stores settings in the registry, %appdata% or ProgramData under their first/last name is an asshole. Thursday, January 28, 2016 1:38:03 PMTwitter Web Client
Cocksucker assholes waking me up at 6am all weekend with fake assed on call alerts Sunday, January 17, 2016 6:17:57 AMTwitter Web Client
I think @MalJNew literally broke her ass. I know it's an expression I use a lot, but she may actually have a fractured coccyx. Friday, January 01, 2016 11:38:28 AMTwitter for Android
New blog post: Miserable UX on https://t.co/YQCLXv1yb4 and It's Android App https://t.co/ASs5u50Tig Sunday, December 27, 2015 11:46:10 AMPortfolioso.com Blog
Fuck China and their polluting ass bitches causing global warming and shit. Thursday, December 17, 2015 11:09:04 PMTwitter for Android
Just told my Director of Finance "I fucking hated my accounting classes" and Ali Mac backed me up Thursday, December 17, 2015 6:23:03 PMTwitter Web Client
You ignorant, science non-believing hick assed motherfuckers... this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard https://t.co/emZXMGFFnm Sunday, December 13, 2015 7:27:31 PMTwitter for Android
Good service your mother's asshole @NYCTSubway https://t.co/pzIiFVVaUW Wednesday, December 09, 2015 6:13:26 PMTwitter for Android
Seriously. Two days in a row with the R running like asshole: getting stuck for 20 mins; diverting to the M line. Fuckouttahea #MTA Wednesday, December 09, 2015 6:09:24 PMTwitter for Android
Um. Whoever played Carly Rae Jepsen at the bar on this, the day of Scott Wieland passing is an asshole. Friday, December 04, 2015 1:51:35 AMTwitter for Android
Someone needs to tape this asshole's mouth shut until she starves to death https://t.co/WsjvnNmu60 Saturday, November 28, 2015 1:30:33 PMTwitter for Android
Just noticed now my background image on Twitter was missing. Supposedly, they removed background color and images in JULY. Asshats Saturday, November 28, 2015 10:26:43 AMTwitter Web Client
Jesus fuckin Christ Mets. I'm not even a fan but stop making New York loo like a joke to these farmer midwest assholes Saturday, October 31, 2015 11:41:24 PMTwitter for Android
Enraged at something that happened at work. "Speak softly and carry a big stick..." I will do that. Later, I'll shove it up their fuckin ass Wednesday, October 28, 2015 2:35:01 PMTwitter Web Client
What kind of asshole schedules a 2PM weekly meeting on Fridays. This interferes with my bar run Friday, October 23, 2015 1:15:38 PMTwitter Web Client
Guy operating this 5 train has gotta be shitfaced. Way to hard brake and accelerate every 3 seconds like an asshole Friday, October 23, 2015 12:15:57 PMTwitter for Android
Jesus fucking Christ ISIS, I can assure you Allah doesn't want you going around raping people and having sex slaves http://t.co/WM3Bq6IuCv Monday, October 12, 2015 1:03:27 AMTwitter for Android
eh who the fuck am I kidding. Was always more of an ass man. Just ask Simmons.They called me Spanky in college.
In reply to @portfolioso's tweet
Thursday, September 24, 2015 5:32:59 PMTwitter Web Client
Eli with the sizzzz pass... To the cameraman Sunday, September 13, 2015 11:39:43 PMTwitter for Android
UM PUT ON VH1 CLASSIC IMMIJITLY. IT'S LIKE 90s ROCK VIDEOS (PS VH1 Classic? Really? I'm so old) Wednesday, September 09, 2015 1:37:49 PMTwitter Web Client
Get a load of this goofy ass looking search bar in the latest Google update. Phone looks like a cartoon now. http://t.co/P09N8ltnMl Tuesday, September 08, 2015 11:42:17 PMTwitter for Android
Sick customer your fuckin ass. Get the asshole off the train and move along. Friday, September 04, 2015 4:11:23 PMTwitter for Android
I'm gonna make sure some bitch McAsshole knows that the guy he fired who told him to fuck off helped me solve this critical issue. #cunts Saturday, August 29, 2015 3:01:02 AMTwitter for Android
@BarstoolJJ cuncel. My gf is a fuckin Indians fan and I got my ass embarrassed.
In reply to @BarstoolJJ's tweet
Tuesday, August 25, 2015 9:58:45 PMTwitter for Android
Someone please make a gif of that meme with those pixelated glasses dropping down over this image: Deal. With. It. https://t.co/4VOdEaenPX Friday, August 21, 2015 1:31:08 AMTwitter for Android
I listened to the entire Alice in Chains Facelift album this morning and I forgot how absolute badass it was. Friday, August 21, 2015 12:04:40 AMTwitter for Android
I may or may not have shattered a glass at the bar tonight but I really can't remember Thursday, August 20, 2015 11:55:32 PMTwitter for Android
Once again, what kind of idiot asshole picks the stall next to you in the shitter when they're all empty. Buffer zone, bro. Wednesday, August 12, 2015 10:59:25 AMTwitter for Android
EPA: "Welp, we were trying to clean up shit but instead we accidentally dumped 3 mil gallons into the river."

Assholes should go to prison 		Monday, August 10, 2015 9:39:59 AMTwitter Web Client
Why is this guy here every 5 mins with password problems?
If you can't figure out how to log into basic shit, you shouldn't work here.
Fired 		Tuesday, August 04, 2015 3:56:54 PMTwitter Web Client
I feel like an asshole to my followers for all this because I despise spammers. Sorry. They are good causes though. Monday, August 03, 2015 11:17:32 AMTwitter Web Client
VMWareTools is a huge pain in the fuckin ass Monday, July 27, 2015 5:10:14 PMTwitter Web Client
.@NYCTSubway I can crawl backwards on broken glass faster than the southbound 4/5 in Manhattan. How dare your status says good service. Monday, July 27, 2015 9:02:40 AMTwitter for Android
Cabbie legit floored it over a double yellow line to pass someone @MalJNew
In reply to @MalJNew's tweet
Wednesday, July 15, 2015 10:20:22 PMTwitter for Android
This bitch ass client is doing data loads and woke me up because their piece of shit system has un-optimized code and our monitoring blows Wednesday, July 15, 2015 4:07:32 AMTwitter Web Client
Did Tex do a little grab ass or am I seeing things? @BarstoolJJ Tuesday, July 14, 2015 11:41:53 PMTwitter for Android
2012 Nexus 7 runs like absolute asshole on Lollipop. Maybe 6.0 will fix this? http://t.co/kW0GydOlKM #android #feedly Friday, July 03, 2015 4:37:28 PMTwitter for Android
To the 24 y/o construction worker @ the bar who kept sayin he made 6 figures: Eat a dick. Some of us work our asses off for shit office jobs Tuesday, June 30, 2015 6:52:51 PMTwitter Web Client
"She was dating this guy with thick black

glasses" -@MalJNew 		Tuesday, June 30, 2015 1:42:09 PMTwitter for Android
To the gentleman wheeling around a mini fridge on the subway during rush hour earlier: You're an asshole. Wednesday, June 24, 2015 7:31:10 PMTwitter for Android
This horse shit assed release is preventing like half of these motherfuckers from logging in. Let's focus on that and not how I fucked up Tuesday, June 09, 2015 2:27:48 PMTwitter Web Client
Dumb motherfucker's been here 7 years and doesn't know how to reset her password on the system she's SELLING to people. I GIVE UP Wednesday, June 03, 2015 4:01:08 PMTwitter Web Client
DOM ā‰  DNS you fucking Vice President asshole Wednesday, June 03, 2015 10:33:43 AMTwitter Web Client
These fucking cunts are about to ruin my birthday because at 5:32 they JUST realized they're releasing untested code tomorrow you ASSHOLES Monday, June 01, 2015 5:32:19 PMTwitter Web Client
"Google's Internal Code Name For Smart Lock Passwords Is YOLO, You Only Login Once" http://t.co/A2hS52Tx5X @__JLu Sunday, May 31, 2015 8:22:56 AMTwitter for Android
Most senior asshole here getting shit on Friday, May 29, 2015 10:42:52 AMTwitter Web Client
At least I get to walk off the fat ass burger king I had for lunch Friday, May 22, 2015 5:14:26 PMTwitter for Android
Yes, I am working on a tooltip and I named the class #JustTheTip http://t.co/mLtcoP0kDB Friday, May 22, 2015 12:35:38 PMTwitter Web Client
Whoever's operating this 5 train is a real asshole with the brakes and accelerator. Be smooth bro. Friday, May 22, 2015 9:27:37 AMTwitter for Android
TIL ISIS Stands for Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Never knew..

PS - Don't murder me or investigate me for mentioning those assholes 		Friday, May 15, 2015 3:37:56 PMTwitter Web Client
I just grabbed a dudes ass to make an asshole girl after him jealous because I can smack that and she cannot. Friday, May 08, 2015 12:16:22 AMTwitter for Android
I am not a fan of this David Justice looking (possible wife beating) motherfucker at this party who gave me sass. Friday, May 08, 2015 12:13:01 AMTwitter for Android
There's legit a rack mount server on the desk next to me and that's actually the password #forrealz http://t.co/99rXlVNO37 Tuesday, May 05, 2015 6:26:21 PMTwitter for Android
Pussy assed Boston shuts down at 2? NYC >BOS Sunday, May 03, 2015 1:59:23 AMTwitter for Android
@PaulONeillYES You are my hero!! We need more passion on the Yankees like you in the 90s
In reply to @PaulONeillYES's tweet
Friday, May 01, 2015 10:09:08 PMTwitter for Android
Just uninstalled iTunes, Bonjour, Apple Mobile Device Support and Apple Updater. Shitty assed Windows programs I don't need anymore. Thursday, April 30, 2015 8:39:25 PMTwitter Web Client
This bar's badass. I'm playing flip cup. Amatuer band is playing The Offspring. I'm on call for work drinking. Everything is awesome! Wednesday, April 29, 2015 9:19:32 PMTwitter for Android
Of course we lost at flip cup with these horseshit assed cups. http://t.co/dSmRtrE5SM Wednesday, April 29, 2015 9:08:42 PMTwitter for Android
Christ I've been drinking all day and can't spell on fuckin twitter. typo'd 3/3 tweets and deleted one because it was so embarrassing Saturday, April 25, 2015 5:22:03 PMTwitter for Android
Watching some not so legit mlb stream from Canada and all I have to say is that Canadians have some weird ass commercials. Monday, April 06, 2015 4:56:18 PMTwitter Web Client
I just ate ghost pepper salsa like an asshole Thursday, April 02, 2015 1:59:58 PMTwitter Web Client
Watching Going Clear on HBO GO right now and all I can say is: L. Ron Hubbard's nasty assed vampire teeth Wednesday, April 01, 2015 9:03:33 PMTwitter for Android
What kind of asshole checks in PDB files (C# debugging binaries) into source control? Wednesday, April 01, 2015 6:13:55 PMTwitter Web Client
The MTA is winning tonight. Said there was a sick passenger on the 4/5. Switch to 6. 4/5 leaves, 6 now has delays. What a day. Thursday, March 26, 2015 7:40:48 PMTwitter for Android
Budweiser 40s in Stella glasses... Taxes much better. #psychology Monday, March 16, 2015 11:33:59 PMTwitter for Android
Passed out with my contact in. Proud. Haven't done that since college ya fuckin drunks Sunday, March 15, 2015 5:28:38 AMTwitter for Android
12k +14.4k people are fuckin hipster asshole Apple fanboy ignorants. If Apple released shit in a box, it'd sell out http://t.co/b2sCurW1R1 Monday, March 09, 2015 11:25:33 PMTwitter for Android
I hate the Irish American, but they're playing 90s rock so I can give them a pass for the night Monday, March 09, 2015 9:49:34 PMTwitter for Android
I guess it's true love when your gf just pulls your glasses from your face when she needs to see something far Thursday, March 05, 2015 7:34:59 PMTwitter for Android
Yo @MalJNew, can we have a threesome with that bartender? I think it's a valid request considering you stared at her ass longer than I did. Friday, February 27, 2015 3:41:48 PMTwitter for Android
Not giving up shit for Lent. So damn stupid. I'm just going to stop being an asshole to people for 40 days. How bout them apples? Wednesday, February 18, 2015 1:00:30 PMTwitter Web Client
Everyone is actively walking like an asshole today and getting directly in my way Wednesday, February 18, 2015 9:02:57 AMTwitter for Android
And why do I have a cold. Sniffly motherfucker with a weak assed immune system. Saturday, February 14, 2015 3:15:57 AMTwitter for Android
Fucking assholes fix it @TWC_NYNJ http://t.co/xi7KIoXbvw Saturday, February 14, 2015 2:43:31 AMTwitter for Android
I just did an ass dance to ZZ Top in my pjs. I'm winning Saturday Saturday, February 07, 2015 2:19:10 PMTwitter for Android
Every time there's a gentle breeze the fuckin internet goes out. The fuck do you assholes do, tape the wires up? @TWC_NYNJ Tuesday, February 03, 2015 12:13:19 AMTwitter for Android
Get a load of this Parkinson's assed conductor trying to rob me by clicking two slots on my ticket... #MTA http://t.co/Y8MCokJVzz Wednesday, January 21, 2015 8:22:13 AMTwitter for Android
That's a frumpy assed Dorothy. Monday, January 12, 2015 10:29:20 PMTwitter for Android
I'm sorry, but if you bring fish for lunch and heat it up in the office, you're an asshole. Eat it cold, or don't bring fuckin fish Monday, January 12, 2015 2:59:27 PMTwitter Web Client
I do not yield to assholes on the sidewalk looking at their phones and walking left. Will plow into them and throw 'bows Friday, January 09, 2015 1:59:43 PMTwitter for Android
Dear #MTA. Thanks for making me wait longer on the cold because your 70s trains can't handle a half inch of snow you assholes. Friday, January 09, 2015 8:11:35 AMTwitter for Android
"I'm so sick of class action lawsuits. 'Dear Red Bull Drinker, Red Bull did not actually give you wings' SHUT UP" -@Docent_Steve Monday, January 05, 2015 4:23:12 PMTwitter Web Client
NYC mayor's a fuckin asshole Tuesday, December 23, 2014 5:51:45 PMTwitter Web Client
60 on Christmas Eve and 50s the next day? Fuck this global warming assed shit. Its supposed to snow on Christmas. Horse shit. Sunday, December 21, 2014 10:55:50 PMTwitter for Android
If you live in fear, you're an asshole Saturday, December 20, 2014 1:54:22 AMTwitter for Android
Brobama coming in strong lately. Didn't give a shit about him but now we're chillin with Cuba and he called Sony an asshole. Ok by me. Saturday, December 20, 2014 1:37:09 AMTwitter for Android
PS - Fuck Sony and their pussy assed ways. And asshole suits who negotiate with terrorists Saturday, December 20, 2014 1:25:48 AMTwitter for Android
Someone tell this babbling old dumbass no one cares about any of the noise coming out of his mouth. Wednesday, December 17, 2014 10:52:22 AMTwitter Web Client
Senior salesperson here still can't figure out that she can reset her own password in the software she's been selling for 5+ years. Idiot Wednesday, December 17, 2014 10:36:29 AMTwitter Web Client
I'm ordering fat ass food for my fat ass belly Sunday, December 14, 2014 8:06:47 PMTwitter for Android
In my career, just realized I slapped 2 out of 3 of my bosses asses. No homo. Sunday, December 14, 2014 7:05:27 PMTwitter for Android
Metro North assholes: the few times I take the 8:05, its 10 mins late every single time. The fuck Monday, December 08, 2014 8:06:47 AMTwitter for Android
Yellow, green, blue, black, white. Doesn't matter to me.

You block traffic and slow me down, you're an asshole 		Thursday, December 04, 2014 11:03:03 PMTwitter for Android
Was going to cab it home from Gramercy until I saw the assholes marching up Park Ave. Took the subway instead. Thursday, December 04, 2014 11:01:04 PMTwitter for Android
If our security asshole talks about clickjacking just one more time for a server that shouldn't even be in scope... Click jackoff Wednesday, November 26, 2014 10:34:04 AMTwitter Web Client
David, our doorman was NOT amused/pleased with me when I used my ass to swipe into the building (NFC in wallet in back pocket) Wednesday, November 26, 2014 9:57:15 AMTwitter Web Client
Bassline is TIGHT: http://t.co/EgZixUmZYz #FooFighters #SonicHighways Monday, November 24, 2014 4:04:35 PMTwitter Web Client
Working here is like tattooing a band aid over a severed artery... We do half-assed workarounds and then refuse to go back and fix it right. Thursday, November 13, 2014 12:03:12 PMTwitter Web Client
.@MTA the 4/5 is a piece of shit subway line. Raise the fares and then continue your shitty service assholes http://t.co/k92uqCL2mF Wednesday, November 12, 2014 6:39:29 PMTwitter for Android
Watching Sonic Highways and from what I hear so far this D.C song is gonna be badass Saturday, October 25, 2014 1:00:03 AMTwitter for Android
Those fuckin movable platform shits at 14th st broke. What kind of asshole designed a circular platform that requires extenders Thursday, October 23, 2014 9:09:41 AMTwitter for Android
@MalJNew @MichaelShatin wake up crackers. I'm a bitch ass drinker and I am still awake Saturday, October 11, 2014 12:40:47 AMTwitter for Android
The 4/5 is running backwards tonight. The fuckin local 6 trains are passing us. Tuesday, September 30, 2014 6:37:22 PMTwitter for Android
@Waspito so sad. Mals puppy's mom had a buncha pups and a few of them passed away of that's sad
In reply to @Waspito's tweet
Saturday, September 20, 2014 4:18:25 PMTwitter for Android
I just walked in and everyone is pissing me off already. Please explain how I get 3 bugs assigned to me before 6AM Friday, September 19, 2014 9:20:56 AMTwitter Web Client
Nice Drupal favicon on the new corporate website, asshats Monday, September 15, 2014 12:51:26 PMTwitter Web Client
Gotta admit... Chief Wahoo is a pretty cool dude and if you think it's racist you're a fuckin asshole Friday, September 05, 2014 8:48:39 PMTwitter for Android
Buffer zone, people. If there are other empty stalls don't come shit right next to me asshole Friday, August 15, 2014 3:01:39 PMTwitter for Android
Have a question to everyone doing the ice bucket challenge. Why do you put in the ice 2 seconds before dumping it? It's still warm assholes Saturday, August 09, 2014 9:27:40 PMTwitter Web Client
Sitting on this bed bug assed N train. #itchy Thursday, August 07, 2014 8:58:42 PMTwitter for Android
CTO and his minion playin a little grab ass on the walk to the propaganda cruise Monday, July 28, 2014 5:39:49 PMTwitter for Android
Okay, this is an amateur hour noob engineer operating this train. Go asshole. Signal is green Monday, July 28, 2014 1:22:08 PMTwitter for Android
If you ride a bike on the train station platform, you're an asshole. I'd normally say you deserve to fall on the tracks, but that'd delay me Monday, July 28, 2014 1:18:18 PMTwitter for Android
Signal loss their fuckin ass. It magically corrected itself... Probably wanted to send a guy here to dick around and say he fixed it Tuesday, July 22, 2014 9:13:08 AMTwitter Web Client
Modified Iron Mountain's deposit form. Dare me to send this in? #useaPDFbro #DATASS http://t.co/tPgFDcYEUz Monday, July 21, 2014 12:34:25 PMTwitter Web Client
Google sucks. Why is it god damn impossible to find the video manager on youtube? Where is the shit I uploaded assholes? Saturday, July 19, 2014 2:34:10 AMTwitter Web Client
Oops. Sorry I made fun of Africa. This Indian assed shirt doesn't glow in the dark http://t.co/QyNBdpc2EM Sunday, July 06, 2014 5:07:25 PMTwitter for Android
Not sure if this guy on the 5 this morning is a weirdo or a G. Nice suit, tie, pants and.... RealD 3D glasses http://t.co/B0kg9BLhbv Monday, June 30, 2014 9:26:19 AMTwitter for Android
Not to be a cocky asshole or anything but when a fly ass ex coworker texts you this, ya gotta feel some kinda awesome http://t.co/JO57kOWvjw Friday, June 27, 2014 12:15:46 AMTwitter for Android
"D.A.T.A.Z.Z.D.O.E" (DAT ass tho) Thursday, June 26, 2014 10:33:11 PMTwitter for Android
Black keys are on so I'm taking a shot. Not their pussy ass new album tho. Good old shit Thursday, June 26, 2014 9:41:23 PMTwitter for Android
Sam's leaving g. My company is now fucked hard. In the ass Thursday, June 26, 2014 9:40:51 PMTwitter for Android
Trying to use curl on the Windows command line is a bitch and a half. Works in 2 seconds in cygwin... Convoluted ass syntax on windows. Tuesday, June 24, 2014 11:38:28 AMTwitter Web Client
I was an asshole not to see this: http://t.co/jn1681Gbc6 Could have gone too Monday, June 23, 2014 11:57:18 AMTwitter Web Client
How my boy got green screen pics of our executive assistant is beyond me. All I know is that these would make baller 404 and 500 error pages Wednesday, June 18, 2014 8:13:00 PMTwitter for Android
If you pronounce it Jinx, you're an asshole @H9RBSjs Debate of the day: "Engine X" vs. "Jinx": What is the correct pronunciation of "nginx"?
In reply to @H9RBSjs's tweet
Monday, June 16, 2014 12:13:22 PMTwitter Web Client

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